These past few weeks have been full of uncomfortable
learning’s; however none have been as painful as that of losing a member of my
family member who was, is still very dear to me. She was full of life, a smile, and questions
and without a doubt, someone I always took joy in seeing, and spending time
with. A lovely memory was one where she
came a few years ago to visit her family out east during the summer. Her first leg of her trip was with me, when I
was not working we did things, chatted, talk, ate, even took her to get her
hair done and then to dinner. I wanted
to show her that even though biologically we were cousins on some level I would
like her to have thought I was a ‘pseudo older sister’ who loved and wanted
only but happiness for her.
I remember her as a little baby, so full of
life, in that she was determined to never let any limitation confine her in any
way possible. If she wanted to do
something, she put her mind to it and it happened. She always smiled triumphantly whenever she
did accomplish something; this is something I will remember most about
her. Oh and her insatiable hunger! Always
asking while she opened my fridge: ‘You
got anything to eat?’ To ME these are
aspects which endear her to me, made me want to be in her life and she in
mine. These amongst many are the
memories of which I choose to carry with me.
What I am most saddened with is that she
must have thought she could not turn to anyone in her deepest darkest moments
to talk and have someone listen to her, to know that she was not alone and that
no matter what that she had a support system she could rely on. She will never
know that she had someone who could on some levels relate to her and offer a
very empathetic ear. As I look back on
how this unfortunate death came to pass, I can make connections and see where
things ‘could’ have indicated that all was not well.
It is frustrating as this is all that I
have to go on, speculation and it is something which I will be plagued with
till the end of my days. This young woman I had great hopes for, I
thought the world of her and thought; I did not have to worry too much about
her as she had a great head on her shoulders.
I saw that same determination she had as a little girl as in the young
woman I thought I knew. This is
something I both celebrate and question her for. Anything to the point of recklessness will
never end well, and even though it is easier to obsess then to stop I truly
wished I had known, that she had reached out, that this never happened, that I
could help/ed her, that I could tell her this moment will pass and you will
look back and say: “I made it through
this, I can make it through anything!”.
I know that I will be left with more
questions than answers. I acknowledge
that I am just one person and even though on some levels I feel like I could
have helped in some way of preventing this from happening, logically I know
that I probably did not have even the most remote chance of stopping it from
happening.
I hurt in ways I thought I could never
hurt, I feel alone, angry and sad. If
the word helpless could summarize what I am feeling then I would use it, but it
is more than that. I know I have dealt
with a lot in my own life and yet it seems like I am destined to feel and
experience more than I bargained for. I
questions how will this help me? I wonder will this drive us apart or
together? A realist in me wants to say
the latter, the optimist and what I was raised to believe wants to believe the
former. I am straddling two perceptions,
I am torn into pieces which in some way I have to put back together some way, somehow
and yet I do not know how to start. I am
immobilized as I look at yet another mountain of challenges I need to climb. This is not fear but sorrow, heartache,
anguish, angst, pain and anger in trying to make some sense, enough for me to
move forward and continue with life.
What I can say today, in this moment is
that the life we have is on borrowed time, I hope that you make the most of it.
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