Reminders...What do you do to give yourself a reality check?

I was reminded today that I need to celebrate what I have accomplished and continue to do so and to keep focused on what I am doing  while not trying to concentrate on what I am not doing. I was also reminded of how extremely hard I am on myself. I push myself because I want to see how far I can go, not to mention I am fearful of complacency. I had a bit of a moment today when I realized that a goal I set for myself was not entirely realistic to my situation. However, it still is a little disappointing that the very advantageous goal I wanted to achieve is beyond my current situation.


Nevertheless I was reminded that I have decided to pursue a difficult goal which most people are not capable to do. During my first year back in university, I took on more responsibility at my full-time job, despite carrying a 40% course load. In and of itself, what I have done and will continue to do this fall, and for the next few years is something which is both extremely challenging and rewarding, as it gets me closer to the aspiration of attaining my Honours BA Soci.  What I should be doing now and every time I pass a course, is reward myself by celebrating each milestone I set for myself.  During this fall and winter semesters, I will have a 50% course load, on top of re-defining my role and studying to get my PMP.  A lot to take on; however it is something that whets my appetite, a challenge to push myself and see where all of this will take me. 

So here’s to my current and continued success of being that person who needs to learn, grow and attain each challenge I set out for myself.  Complacency is a word that does not exist in my world of challenge!

Do you believe you are your own worst critic?  How do you remind yourself that you are human and it is okay to push yourself but not over-do it? What do you do to celebrate, and recognize your achievements?  What do you think I should do to celebrate my first successful year back to school?

School---> work, Work---> school, School--->work; What to do and how much to do...

So I checked my marks a couple of weeks ago, finally after sitting on the fence in debating in knowing my results I bit the bullet and went on line.  To my amazement I passed, yes I am amazed, my friends and colleagues are not.  They knew I would do well and succeed beyond my expectations.  I am now off of academic advisement and am in good standing to be admitted to the Honours program.

I registered last week for the 2011-2012 Fall/Winter Semester and in typical fashion debated on taking more than the alloted 40% course load I assigned to myself.  In checking  what I have left to complete my Honours BA, I realized I have quite a bit to go.  For a moment it felt like I was looking up from the bottom of a very large mountain, but I need to keep reminding myself; its the journey NOT the destination.  I've been toying with taking on more courses but the idea is a bity scary in the sense of meeting my work and school obligations with success.  Curently with the course load I have registered for, puts me at 50% course load.  Another course will put me at approximately at a little over 70%.

In the midst of this change at work I want to be able to create a new role in what I already do, but am stuck in what direction to go in.  In my current role I have done pretty much everything and with no new project in sight that will challenge me in ways I have not been and no change to be promoted within the company my choices in avenues are definately different.  If I can not move vertically at the moment I will need to move horizontally, the big questions are how? and where?  Am still trying to figure this one out, and time is quickly passing me as I have to have some semblance of a plan before classes start after labour day.  Am not going to lie, I am a bit freaked out and a little stressed about it.

I know I am not one to be complacent, but being uncertain is something I do not totally enjoy and that is what I feel right now with the choices I have in front of me.  I do not want to over committ myself to something I am not vested in or will fail at.  I do not want to committ to something I know I will not complete or even enjoy.  Yet, I find myself feeling like I will be doing all of the above.  I have a few more years left to complete my degree and what I would really love most is just do that full time and not have to worry about working a full-time job.  However that is not a viable situation at the moment, alas I will need to make this work while pursuing this very personal goal of mine.

In an ideal world I see myself being able to take on my 70% course load as well as redefining and expanding my role at work.  In this ideal world I will be doing these both very successfully to the point that I get what I need to be enagaged in my work life until I finish my degree.

What would you do if you were me?  Do you think it is very advantageous of me to work full time and go to school full time these next two semesters?  What would you do in your work life if you had the opportunity to redefine your role?  Would you take it on along with school or would you just keep doing what you are doing and focus your efforts on school?  So many choices, so muc to decide....would love to hear what you think!

To the good men in my life

I never really had a true father in my life, but I do have my grandfather and uncles whom to me are good men in their own ways.  I love them and I know that they love me, with each of them I enjoy spending time with them.  So to these men whom I care for unconditionally I wish a Happy Fathers Day to Eric, Derrick and Gregory, may you have a fantastic day.

Love your Grand-daughter and neice

These are the times where I long for things..

Today I am letting a bit of my inner six year old write this post.  I feel a bit like I long for something I can not have, and all that would fix it is someone who had never been much vested in my life. This post for me is about longing for something I wish I had at this particular moment.  These moments come every so often, kind of like when you have a craving you are not able to satisfy.  What I mean is, during my childhood I thought I had something, when in truth looking back on it I did not.

In these moments of longing are for something I never had - that my friends is, a mother.    Someone whom I can call and chat with, laugh with, seek wisdom from, be consoled by and spend time with (as well as get the occasional hug from).  A mother knows when her children need her, even when they do their best to hide it from her.  That maternal instinct, which I thought would protect me, nurture, accept and unconditionally love me, came with pricey caveats I did not understand until later in life.  They came with a price which any true mother would think, too high and would make them null and void for the sake of  safety and prosperity of  her child.  I thought that by being a good child, who always listened to her mother, went to school, worked hard and lead by example that somehow all those things a mother does for her child unconditionally would be given to me by her.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.  I do not have the greatest relationship with the woman who gave birth to me, she for all of her intents and purposes has denied me and I do my best to rise above it. The reasons why, are too many to list, and right now a time best to avoid divulging in.

I do my best to seek these things I need and crave from the friends and family I surround myself with, but much like a craving there is the odd time where I naturally long for a moment that a daughter shares with her mother.

Today I will mark as a vulnerable one and will thank you for taking the time to read that which I have shared today.  I will make light of this moment in that it is ending, the sunset is beautiful and so am I despite my past.  I figure today I would just put it out there as to how I feel as way to move forward.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Things today...

Five things I am greatful for today

• The sun
• Being able to register for my courses for fall, winter sessions
• Having a laugh in the lunch room
• Knowing that in a couple of weeks I will be on vacation
• Moving forward

When I take one step forward...

Sometimes my life feels a bit cliched, I know that there are moments where people are frustrated with change.  I took a big plunge last year, I did something I had been stalling on since I packed two suitcases and came to this city almost a decade ago.  Going back to school while working, was a choice I made, it scared the shit out of me but in my 'gut', my soul I knew that this was the choice for me.  Fail or not,  I had to try.  I have to admit my first year back was both challenging and rewarding, I had a focus, I made my own rules and asked for support and got what I needed.  Yet still the small things seem to cast a shadow on the path I blazed for myself. 

In looking back at what I accomplished, going back to university, with a full time work schedule, a 40% course load and on top of that taking on more responsibility at work. I did something beyond challenging and with all of this I passed my courses!!  I am so proud of this and yet why do I focus on the things I cannot control?  Why do I let it affect me in a way which makes all that I accomplished seem so trivial?  I feel like I am losing the grip on the goal of finishing my degree, because of the little things affecting me outside of school.  Really I should not and am doing my best to figure out a way to 'not sweat the small things' because they, do not fit into the scope of my goals, my dream and committment to myself. 

I will 'dig' myself out of this rut I let myself get into.  I am going to need to trust that it will all work out, that the small stuff will always be there and to just let it go.  There is no time or place for these things in the plan I have committed to.  I will need to find a way to re-engage myself with the things outside of school without taking the focus off of the promised I made to myself when I sent in the application and got accepted.  What I worry about more often than not, is the 'how'.  How am I going to make this happen?  How is this going to happen?  I need to trust in knowing that I will figure it out, probably stumble along the way, but this is what makes it endearing and human.

I had a few conversations with some dear friends of mine and what I have taken from them is a few nuggets I am going to try to use to keep me focused.  Writing down five things each day I am greatful for as well as, just keeping count in the time it will take me to get to compelte the goal of a honours degree!

So here goes, I have approximately 2 years of continuous study until I have completed my degree in sociology, two years fly by faster than I think it will, so eyes on the prize!

The five things I am greatlful for:

1. My cat greeting me when I came home from a long day
2. Talking to one of my closest friends to ground me
3. Being able to sit outside in the warm sun
4. Having an amazing doctor's office, in particular my doctors medical assistant, who is A-MAZ-ZING and is always helpful and kind to me when I have questions!
5. Falling in love with a Monet painting of a sunset and sharing that love

Here's to me working out of this rut.  One step in front of the other, here's to perpetual motion forward!


How do you re-engage yourself back into something you do and used to enjoy?  What are five things you are greatful for today? How do you get yourself out of a rut?