I think that these moments of joy with my niece will always have a twinge of bitter-sweetness. Today she graduated kindergarten, and boy was she beaming! When my brother-in-law emailed me the photo it really made my day. But....I stopped and thought about my sister, how she was never going to see this, how my niece will never get the chance to say 'Look Mom, I did it!' I started to get weepy in that two people whom I love have been cheated out of a great experience, one of those mother daughter moments.
At times I am both angry and sad that this is happening to my niece, however the positive out of all of this which will constantly happen is that other family members who love her just as much are in her life witnessing these moments, beaming smiles and tears of joy; but always twinged with a note of sadness because my sister isn't there to see and feel what we do.
My niece is such a happy little girl, full of wonder, imagination and a personality which endears most to her like sunlight to a flower. She has the capacity to make everyone feel they are part of making a moment with her. I fight for her to protect this ability, this spark, she has because when I see it in her I am reminded at times that it was robbed from me. I do not ever want her to feel or go through some of the things which I have. I want to be able to have her be this happy little girl for as much and as long as possible.
So with this moment, which there will be so many I am so thankful for being able to be a part of my niece's life, even when I live where I live. My brother-in-law and his family have promised to make sure that doesn't change. I truly am enamored with my niece and I hope she knows how much I love her and hope that we continue this great bond and relationship. This is what I remind myself in spite of the bitter-sweetness I feel that the joy far out-weights it without fail.
143 Chickaflea to the moon and back and then some.
Your Aunt
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
The joy I feel when I am around my niece
Last month was my niece's sixth birthday, and I put it out into the universe that I wanted to spend it with her. I am so fortunate that this was possible and have no regrets in being able to spend it with her. This was my first time spending a birthday with her, previously it wasn't possible. Not because I didn't want to, it was just my sister wasn't able to invite me to be a part of my niece's festivities or her young life. Prior to my sister's death trying to spend time with her and my niece was very difficult. My sister was influenced by my mother greatly which meant that for me getting to see them meant that I had to do it in a way which was inconsipcuous to our mother.
Even though my sister's death is tragic, I am grateful for being able to have access to my niece through my brother-in-law and his family. He and his family are truly lovely people, we have been both a help to eachother and I do not think I am able to express the gratitude I have towards them for being able to be a part of their lives and most of all my niece. They are definition of what great parents and grandparents are. I wish I had parents like them, but I digress. It gives me great comfort that they are a huge part of my niece's life and they let me be are part her's and theirs.
My brohter-in-law and his family have let my niece become a beautiful little girl, don't get me wrong she is a pretty cute kid, but what I am referring to is her personality, her spirit. She is playful, observant, loving, respectful, curious, intuative, all things my sister used to be as a little girl. She has the personality where adults want to indulge in her questions. Without fail she introduces herself by her full name when she speaks to people. Something which I find beyond endearing as she will correct you in a hurry and say; 'I am not sweetie or sweetheart, I am [insert full name] but you can call me Emmy'.
Whenever I get to spend time with her I am beyond joyful, its like we are getting to know each other and yet we already know each other. She tells me without prompting that she loves me and I do the same by telling her I love her to the moon and back and then some. Every time I see her I see my aspects of my sister. Some of her mannerisms and habits are almost hereditary that it astonishes me when I see it.
Her great-grandfather has endeared himself to her so much so that she told her grandmother that she wanted to invite him over for her birthday so she could show him her room. Truly this is something which just melted my heart. Its a memory I will cherish and retell to her as she gets older, every chance I get. What I love about my niece is that she really loves the men in her family and almost to the point where us women hardly exist when the men are in her presence. Her grandad is just as enamoured with her as she is with him. Everyone she meets see's that she has this great lightness about her, to me she is pure joy. The bonds she creates with people in her life is something beyond special, it is a gift not many posess this mganitism. I hope that it stays with her and she is able to use it in a way which will ensure her great happiness and success wherever she goes in life.
I will wonder what my niece will be like when she gets older, I must wait in anticipation however I am no longer removed and waiting by the sidelines for her to one day reach out to me and make contact. I have that consistent and constant contact and connection with her. She will grow up knowing who I am to her and how much she means to me.
I hope that I am able to spend every birthday I possibly can with her as she is that special to me. I will do my best to do good for her and expose her to all the good people in my family. I will continue to keep connected to my brother-in-law and his family as they are just as special as my niece. I hope that one day I can help them for what they have given me, the unflappable connection to my niece, who is the only connection I have left of my sister. I hope in some way that my sister knows that there isn't much I wouldn't do for the safety and continued happiness of my niece. I hope that in some ways I have provided her some solace and that she approves overall of how my niece is growing up.
I am always cognizant that this year is a big one for my niece, that this is the first year without her mother. I know this won't be the hardest one she will experience, however I want to be able to have influenced and created some positive memories for her (and in part me). I know that she is a truly happy little girl and I am so thankful for that. What I am afraid of is her having to compromise, stifle or lose this good nature about herself. I will continue to do my best for her and show her that there is good in the world, that she has people who love and care about her well being and that we will be there to set her up for success. I may not be her mother, I am the next best thing, her aunt which guarantees that I will love her like a daughter, and friend and ensure that she knows that I am always there for her no matter what. She makes me smile even when I am writing this she gives me joy and something which I am unable to express in words and I hope that she is able to experience this feeling as aunt one day...then she will know of the feeling of what I am trying to write right now.
Even though my sister's death is tragic, I am grateful for being able to have access to my niece through my brother-in-law and his family. He and his family are truly lovely people, we have been both a help to eachother and I do not think I am able to express the gratitude I have towards them for being able to be a part of their lives and most of all my niece. They are definition of what great parents and grandparents are. I wish I had parents like them, but I digress. It gives me great comfort that they are a huge part of my niece's life and they let me be are part her's and theirs.
My brohter-in-law and his family have let my niece become a beautiful little girl, don't get me wrong she is a pretty cute kid, but what I am referring to is her personality, her spirit. She is playful, observant, loving, respectful, curious, intuative, all things my sister used to be as a little girl. She has the personality where adults want to indulge in her questions. Without fail she introduces herself by her full name when she speaks to people. Something which I find beyond endearing as she will correct you in a hurry and say; 'I am not sweetie or sweetheart, I am [insert full name] but you can call me Emmy'.
Whenever I get to spend time with her I am beyond joyful, its like we are getting to know each other and yet we already know each other. She tells me without prompting that she loves me and I do the same by telling her I love her to the moon and back and then some. Every time I see her I see my aspects of my sister. Some of her mannerisms and habits are almost hereditary that it astonishes me when I see it.
Her great-grandfather has endeared himself to her so much so that she told her grandmother that she wanted to invite him over for her birthday so she could show him her room. Truly this is something which just melted my heart. Its a memory I will cherish and retell to her as she gets older, every chance I get. What I love about my niece is that she really loves the men in her family and almost to the point where us women hardly exist when the men are in her presence. Her grandad is just as enamoured with her as she is with him. Everyone she meets see's that she has this great lightness about her, to me she is pure joy. The bonds she creates with people in her life is something beyond special, it is a gift not many posess this mganitism. I hope that it stays with her and she is able to use it in a way which will ensure her great happiness and success wherever she goes in life.
I will wonder what my niece will be like when she gets older, I must wait in anticipation however I am no longer removed and waiting by the sidelines for her to one day reach out to me and make contact. I have that consistent and constant contact and connection with her. She will grow up knowing who I am to her and how much she means to me.
I hope that I am able to spend every birthday I possibly can with her as she is that special to me. I will do my best to do good for her and expose her to all the good people in my family. I will continue to keep connected to my brother-in-law and his family as they are just as special as my niece. I hope that one day I can help them for what they have given me, the unflappable connection to my niece, who is the only connection I have left of my sister. I hope in some way that my sister knows that there isn't much I wouldn't do for the safety and continued happiness of my niece. I hope that in some ways I have provided her some solace and that she approves overall of how my niece is growing up.
I am always cognizant that this year is a big one for my niece, that this is the first year without her mother. I know this won't be the hardest one she will experience, however I want to be able to have influenced and created some positive memories for her (and in part me). I know that she is a truly happy little girl and I am so thankful for that. What I am afraid of is her having to compromise, stifle or lose this good nature about herself. I will continue to do my best for her and show her that there is good in the world, that she has people who love and care about her well being and that we will be there to set her up for success. I may not be her mother, I am the next best thing, her aunt which guarantees that I will love her like a daughter, and friend and ensure that she knows that I am always there for her no matter what. She makes me smile even when I am writing this she gives me joy and something which I am unable to express in words and I hope that she is able to experience this feeling as aunt one day...then she will know of the feeling of what I am trying to write right now.
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