An Open Letter...

It is not that I am lazy; I thought if I write this it would come out better than saying it.  

An open letter of gratitude to those who have been so supportive:

Dearest Friend:  Aside from the fun-good times, you have been there in my time of need, to listen without judgement, to offer an objective perspective, a shoulder to lean as well as cry on and to encourage me the way a friend only knows how.  Empathy and solace would be good words to use, however they do not do justice to that which you have offered, provided and given to me. 

This last little while has been full of heartbreak, frustration and tragedy however you have provided me a place where I feel safe to have my raw moments.  You see me even though I try to ‘hide’ me. As I navigate my way through reconciling all of these events to get back to the ‘usual me’; I am beyond thankful for being intuitive enough to be there even though I do not ask for it; giving me space when I need it as well as, challenging me when I think I need to stop.  These small things are what is helping to keep me together while I mend a seemingly very fractured me. 

You truly know who cares for you when they are there in your moments of need.  To say I am grateful is an understatement.  Without you in my life, in my corner during my conflicts of struggle I know that you have my best interests at heart, you want me to succeed in whatever I set out to do and ultimately to be happy.  I hope you know that I in turn want this for you, a life full of the happiness you desire, that which you need most in order to be happy.

With sincerest with gratitude

Homeward bound...

Despite Winnipeg being the place of my birth and where I grew up this is now just a place I visit to see family (both of my blood and those whom I deem my-non blood family) and friends.  It is always nice to be around those who want to see you as much as you do them.  This trip was different for me, a turning point to how I deem to live my life moving forward.  In knowing that those who love, and respect me I leave understanding more about myself and where I stand with them; the ones who care about me as I them.I have been through so much and I understand that this is not the end of it rather another chapter.  A saying I loved earlier this week:  Whenever you become empowered, you will be tested. - Caroline Myss.  This has never been more true and it will continue to resonate with me each and every time I empower myself;  I hope you know this too for your own journey!!

Back to the reason why and how I am moving forward.  My immediate family and I are far from close, in fact to them I represent something to which they will never want to admit and are embarrassed by; the truth.  Do not get me wrong here I can say unequivocally that it is not I who brought this embarrassment, I just merely spoke the truth.  To them it is easier to live a lie than it is to deal with it, squash it and move on and move forward for the better.  But hey like I said  I did nothing but speak the truth and I am much better for it.  I promised my grandfather and eldest uncle that I would not let this affect me anymore as I have so much more to me and my life.  I said what I had to say to those who wanted to listen and I hope that they are able to keep to what they've agreed to, otherwise it is unfortunate for them that they will no longer be in my life.

I feel that this was my final test, and I had to be in it to realize that those who matter will always be there, being supportive, encouraging and will be able to give me the kick I need.  For those that don't, it is a sad day for them to be able to speak such horrible things about me, about my family as the saying goes:  You point a finger at someone there are three pointing right back at you!  So for those who are so keen on pointing the finger of blame I say f'it here is hoping that you do something with your life than just exist. 

For me right now I have a life that I have created and continue to do so for the better of myself.  I will continue knowing that I am loved by my family, even though extended are still of my blood.  For my immediate family I do not hate them, instead I pity them. For me I have some things to accomplish off my to-do list of life, more than just exist I intend to excel and succeed the best I know how.

Life isn't fair, Neither is life cut short...

These past few weeks have been full of uncomfortable learning’s; however none have been as painful as that of losing a member of my family member who was, is still very dear to me.  She was full of life, a smile, and questions and without a doubt, someone I always took joy in seeing, and spending time with.  A lovely memory was one where she came a few years ago to visit her family out east during the summer.  Her first leg of her trip was with me, when I was not working we did things, chatted, talk, ate, even took her to get her hair done and then to dinner.  I wanted to show her that even though biologically we were cousins on some level I would like her to have thought I was a ‘pseudo older sister’ who loved and wanted only but happiness for her.  

I remember her as a little baby, so full of life, in that she was determined to never let any limitation confine her in any way possible.  If she wanted to do something, she put her mind to it and it happened.  She always smiled triumphantly whenever she did accomplish something; this is something I will remember most about her.  Oh and her insatiable hunger! Always asking while she opened my fridge:  ‘You got anything to eat?’  To ME these are aspects which endear her to me, made me want to be in her life and she in mine.  These amongst many are the memories of which I choose to carry with me.

What I am most saddened with is that she must have thought she could not turn to anyone in her deepest darkest moments to talk and have someone listen to her, to know that she was not alone and that no matter what that she had a support system she could rely on. She will never know that she had someone who could on some levels relate to her and offer a very empathetic ear.  As I look back on how this unfortunate death came to pass, I can make connections and see where things ‘could’ have indicated that all was not well. 

It is frustrating as this is all that I have to go on, speculation and it is something which I will be plagued with till the end of my days.  This young woman I had great hopes for, I thought the world of her and thought; I did not have to worry too much about her as she had a great head on her shoulders.  I saw that same determination she had as a little girl as in the young woman I thought I knew.  This is something I both celebrate and question her for.  Anything to the point of recklessness will never end well, and even though it is easier to obsess then to stop I truly wished I had known, that she had reached out, that this never happened, that I could help/ed her, that I could tell her this moment will pass and you will look back and say:  “I made it through this, I can make it through anything!”. 

I know that I will be left with more questions than answers.  I acknowledge that I am just one person and even though on some levels I feel like I could have helped in some way of preventing this from happening, logically I know that I probably did not have even the most remote chance of stopping it from happening.

I hurt in ways I thought I could never hurt, I feel alone, angry and sad.  If the word helpless could summarize what I am feeling then I would use it, but it is more than that.  I know I have dealt with a lot in my own life and yet it seems like I am destined to feel and experience more than I bargained for.  I questions how will this help me? I wonder will this drive us apart or together?  A realist in me wants to say the latter, the optimist and what I was raised to believe wants to believe the former.  I am straddling two perceptions, I am torn into pieces which in some way I have to put back together some way, somehow and yet I do not know how to start.  I am immobilized as I look at yet another mountain of challenges I need to climb.  This is not fear but sorrow, heartache, anguish, angst, pain and anger in trying to make some sense, enough for me to move forward and continue with life.

What I can say today, in this moment is that the life we have is on borrowed time, I hope that you make the most of it.