In the home stretch of all things Winter...

So all things to do with Winter semester are slowly coming to a close and I am excited and limping towards the end of this chapter.  What Fall and Winter term semesters without  a little ‘adventure’?  To say that my life is boring is like sticking your head in a lions mouth, it seems cool but really that isn’t plausible (blame my lack of sleep for this analogy).  What I mean to say is that it has been full of acceptance, growth and learning’s in all forms.  

I am trying to get out two papers which are my last assignments of the semester and let me tell you, they are like turds of creative constipation….so tough to get out but they have been brewing in my mind for what seems like ages.  I am using this blog entry as a last attempt to get them from my mind and into coherent sentences which will make two 10 page essays!!!  I do not know about you but this is not the most enjoyable, it is full of me trying to fight the want to go and lay down, however I know if I stop it will take AGES for me to get back on my academically creative writing horse.  So in short I will need to ride it out till the last coherent (hopefully) cyphers of academic genius!!!

I am challenged in a I thought I never would be, courses in which I know in some way will help me however in the short term knowing that this knowledge on some levels will be anything but practical.  I can see myself playing trivial pursuit or jeopardy and being asked something which only these two courses I took in university would either win me the game  I am playing or put me ahead of my competitors.  Yes my inner geek will thank me later, but my very present procrastinator spirit for these courses is telling me I have revved up enough juice to continue on for the next 1000 words to completion!  Wish me luck that I am able to get a sufficiently good mark ;) 

Mid-term season begins

So now that the plethora of papers and various assisgnments are over, now brings the mind numbing studying for mid-terms as well as the mid-terms themselves!  I can just taste the freedom of having a little over two weeks of no classes and being able to be a bit spontaneous. I have to admit, finding the balance in having a bit of fun, has been a bit challenging but I am getting there.

I went to one of the best concerts of my life!  Seeing Prince was amazing, magnificent and something I will remember for years to come.  6 Encore performances accompanied his concert performance, something that only he could do and in true dramatic splendor that only his fans could appreciate.  I totally geeked out at the talent he had playing with him, from his back up singers to his sax, bass, guitar, piano and drum players....was something which brings me back to my band geek days. 

Esperenza Spalding - Bass
Shelby J - Voice - she had the coolest bedazzled artwork on her bald head!!!
Morris Hayes - Keyboards
John Blackwell - Drums

Okay enough of me geeking out about it I'll will do another post later and link some of the footage I took as it was beyond amazing!


I have to say this year has been one full of challenges, however as I progress in my journey there are things that I realize about myself.  With each passing phase, stumbling block/challenge/moment of growth I become much more aware and comfortable with myself.  It feels like findng centre when you are in search of trying to balance yourself on one leg.  It is never dull!

I wish I could write more but I am losing my focus....till next time!

A bit of a breakdown...

So I am trying to get the last of my assignments completed from assignmentpalooza, 2 weeks of intense work, school and trying to have a bit of a life. A balance is what I am striving for but I realize I am human and the operative word to me getting balance is: trying.

I am trying to get to that magical place of cutting some slack for myself. That this season of work and semesters of school are intense, complicated and beyond grueling. I have to admit that there are times that I want to throw in the towel, however fleeting it is at least I can admit it to myself. I quickly remind myself that it is something I promised myself that I would do, finish a degree and go back to complete another. I also have to keep reminding myself that it is a journey, not a race and that I also have the advantage to a degree of being older. When it comes to school, I do not fight things I do not know, at least not superficially. I realize that my need to take research methods is not for me to become a researcher, this is not where my 'heart' lies. My taking this prerequisite, is part in parcel a bureaucratic, policy and revenue making endeavor that my university has deemed necessary. In keeping with the branding of the university of seeing different perspectives of the same thing, research methods (or stats take your poison) is just one of those things I will take, hate and fingers cross pass.

So in saying my realization and resignation to knowing that my end goal is to pass, I had a bit of moment last night. Fueled by sleep deprivation, stressed with a heavy workload; just like my colleagues, on top of just general frustration of my current state, I had to have an emotional moment where all I did was shed tears and blow my nose into half a box of Kleenex. I knew that this moment was coming; I just didn't think it would happen right then and there. So instead of fighting it, I had a good cry, washed my face brushed my teeth and went to bed VERY early with the intention of waking up before the sun did.

I am still trying to get this assignment out of my head and on to paper, but there is a part of me that really doubts myself in thinking that I understand what is being asked of me, and me trying to execute it with the very least a modicum of success. I guess it comes down to the fear of being wrong. So I have to challenge myself in seeing that sometimes and especially in this case it might be good to be wrong! I can learn from my mistakes and hopefully apply them to the next time something like this comes along (cause they usually do).

So here's to my attempt of doing the last of my assignments well, hopefully I will get a better mark than I did on my last assignment!!!

In the final stretch....

So am just rounding the final bend of the two week marathon of assignments.  It feels so close and yet so far, let me tell you I can taste the finish line which will be full of fun times, booze and probably some much needed sleep!

What I have learnt is that yes I thrive on challenges, ones that engage me these-well these were not full of engagement other than for me to get'er done and hand'er in.  I did learn that I should plan more for these and incorporate breaks for a big glass of wine curled up with a tv program or book I have been meaning to watch and or read.  Also the social aspect of just hanging out with friends, I SO miss that.  I must get back to this as I feel like quite the loner, shut in at home, or a coffee shop armed with my laptop, various notebooks, binders and my trusty ipod.  I want to just shed them for a little bit and scheduled some 'Fun-E time'.  This my friends is a definite.

Work-life-school-study-sleep balance is a fuckin' doozy this go-round.  I have consumed copious amounts of coffee, and red bull.  Enough to make me realize that on occasion, I have caffinated myself just a wee-too much and had to readjust with a sleeping aid.  I am determined to get this semester under control and at best pass with a grade anyone who is working full-time (and sometimes thensome) while going to school part-time can.  I gave up the dream of pulling A's as these are not 'bird' courses.  These courses require a different kind of focus, one which only someone who is going to school full-time can devote.  This is not me giving up, but realizing that passing will need to be my only goal this semester.  Any further pressure I put on myself could result in anxiety, and for someone who is truly harder on herself than anyone ever could be; would result in a death spiral of depression and disappointment.

So with that realiztion that yes, I can do three grueling assignments ove the span of two weeks while working full-time; that some things will be sacrificed, like:  sleep, sex, fun, eating, fun, drinking, fun, socializing oh and did I mention FUN?!!!

I am not complaining, just stating facts, and with that there is tonnes of lessons learned here, which I will impart on another day when a lit-review of five scholarly, peer reviewed journal articles are not due on Thursday.

E, over and out till next post!

The time of assignments...

So in keeping with my experimentation I am writing again to help get the writing 'juices' going. I finally completed and handed my assignment that was due yesterday. With approximately 3 hours sleep and help from my co-workers/friends, I was able to work, get feedback from what I wrote in the early hours of Monday morning, edit my paper and then go to class to hand it in!

Now onto my first presentation of the year, it’s about sampling and let me tell you I am actually interested in it, or I should say that it has engaged me enough to want to learn as much as I can. I guess that saving face (insert sociological term) is really what is motivating me. I do not want to look like I do not know anything or that I am ill-prepared so I am doing my best to appear somewhat knowledgeable (I'm not going for expert on this) enough to let my T.A. know that I understood it and maybe get some class participation from my peers. Fingers crossed yet again and wish me luck!

I do have to share my feelings about missing the Halloween festivities and Halloween night. It is really one of my favourite holidays, yes I said holidays because to me it is truly something to celebrate. Aside from free candy; this is more for the kids, I really thrive off the creativity people put into their costumes. I do not mean take a costume like a bumble bee and make it 'slutty bumble bee', no I mean something that makes you say: 'AWESOME costume' Alas there will be more Halloween’s in my future but this year I was sad that I couldn't partake in dressing up.

Well cry now laugh later, this is my mantra about having to accomplish my studies so that I can truly (and eventually) enjoy life sooner. Ahhhh sacrifice...it’s a doozy but I know in my bones it is worth it!!

• So what did you do for the halloween weekend? 
• Did you dress up and if so what did you dress up as? (no judgement if it was slutty, its just not my bag)
• Did you go trick-or-treating with the kiddies and if so how much loot did you confiscate?
• What was your favourite costume when you dressed up for halloween? (gotta live vicariously through my peers)

Till next post!

My Reflections...

Realizations are my 'ah ha' moments, or what some could and do call epiphany’s. I do enjoy my realizations about things and how much I can stand in my own way without even realizing it. More often than not this seems to be the case, and I'll need to ask those of you who are not afraid to speak up, to give me a nudge, or shake to make me take a side step in getting in my own way of progress.
I realize, I am my own worst critic, that I am harder on myself than most people are on me that I tend to be alot in my head and do not always say what I am feeling. I guess the root of that is fear, fear of being rejected, looking stupid, feeling stupid and even told that I have no right to say and feel the way I am feeling.

This year for my fall and winter term classes I picked doozies, and they right now are not interesting, stimulating and I have that feeling that I think I will never use them and that they are pointless. Needless to say, when I registered for these courses-I thought I would at least enjoy aspects of them. Right now I am staring at the screen looking at my notes for a paper due on Monday and inspiration is the furthest thing from me. I thought why not try to do some writing which will hopefully spin off into my assignment due? So this is why I am doing this entry today, to get my creative juices flowing (hopefully) and spin this off into my paper...so fingers crossed. I do hope that this theory works as I have a few more assignments due this week and next week! I will keep you posted as I do my best to post before, (perhaps even during) and after my assignments.

On to another realization which happened this week, my great-uncle (on my grandmother's side) passed away and his funeral is today. I only met him a couple times in my life, however the memories of being able to experience him has stayed with me. He did have a 'way' with words, a big personality but even with that something I think is synonymous with him and my grandmother is their great ability in the kitchen! He was a great cook in the kitchen and could make anything taste fantastic! I do have some regret, in that I really did not get to know him and his children very well and I guess the 'getting-to-know-you' goes both ways. I guess that is just how life goes sometimes and especially with such a big family. Overall I feel sad in that my cousins, my great-uncles wife (Deb), his grandchildren, nieces, nephews and siblings lost someone. I know that we all are selfish in that we want our family members to live eternally, however 75 years is a good time on this earth. I do know that what memories I do have of my great-uncle, I will cherish until my end of days.

Another realization I have wanted to share but had some difficulties in putting it into the right words is about friendships and friends. These last couple of years I have had some great and some not-so-great people come into my life. In regards to the short-term friendships which impacted me in a positive way I am thankful for, they opened me up to things I was once closed off to, or neglected in myself. I can speak volumes about how and what they did, but I do not want to bore or divulge information which either myself or these people do not want have disclosed so I will just leave it at that.

I am going to now to speak to the friendships which impacted me negatively, although there was and still is some fantastic learning’s from these relationships what it did left me with was a bad taste in my mouth and hurt feelings. There was someone whom I met through mutual friends and granted this friendship was tumultuous at times I felt I was my most honest with this person. An opportunity came up for employment at my workplace (there is a lesson in this my friend if you haven't learned this one already) and I advised them of it. I did stipulate that how they knew me outside of work would vary to that inside of the workplace and, if they were fine with this that I would forward their resume onto the 'hiring powers'. This supposed friend agreed and said it was fine and they eventually were hired.

Well as most of you can already guess, this relationship both inside and outside the workplace deteriorated. The relationship ended despite a few times to revive it. I did my best to take the high road, however this person then went to spread some horrible rumours to our mutual friends, so much so that they convinced them to alienate me. I was aware that something was said to these supposed friends and gave them the benefit of my doubt that they were reasonable people and would understand that there were three sides to every 'story' (theirs, mine and the truth). Unfortunately this did not happen and did not know the exact 'story' which was told to this group of friends until a dear friend from this circle decided to tell me this summer, she knew I would never do what I was accused of.

I was upset and very hurt as someone was trying to speak the character of me and the values I have. I would never disrespect a friend’s romantic relationship; I do my best to always respect it. I would never walk around saying that I was sleeping with my friends partner or even do something like that, I respect myself and my relationships with my friends way too much to do that. Since knowing this, I now feel a bit on edge when I with my true friends and I know it is something I will need to work through. I do not know what I will say whenever I see this person but I do know that it will not be silence, it will be handled with a modicum of respect for myself as well as class BUT they will know that this will not be tolerated. In terms of the 'friends' who decided to not question the source of where this rumour came from I will keep at a distance and refer to them more as acquaintances.


These are all the reflections I will share today as I think I have geared up to get this paper put to bed and then onto the next assignment....a presentation using neither Power Point or You Tube, about the topic of film!  Wish me luck :)

• So what would you do if you picked courses that turned out to something which you knew did not hold your interest, however you knew you had to take as it was a pre-requisite?
• Do you regret not spending time with your extended family?  If so what would you do to correct that?
• In terms of friendships, what would you do if you had a friendship which ended badly and resulted in the 'ex'-friend spreading false rumours about you?

Till my next post!!!

Reminders...What do you do to give yourself a reality check?

I was reminded today that I need to celebrate what I have accomplished and continue to do so and to keep focused on what I am doing  while not trying to concentrate on what I am not doing. I was also reminded of how extremely hard I am on myself. I push myself because I want to see how far I can go, not to mention I am fearful of complacency. I had a bit of a moment today when I realized that a goal I set for myself was not entirely realistic to my situation. However, it still is a little disappointing that the very advantageous goal I wanted to achieve is beyond my current situation.


Nevertheless I was reminded that I have decided to pursue a difficult goal which most people are not capable to do. During my first year back in university, I took on more responsibility at my full-time job, despite carrying a 40% course load. In and of itself, what I have done and will continue to do this fall, and for the next few years is something which is both extremely challenging and rewarding, as it gets me closer to the aspiration of attaining my Honours BA Soci.  What I should be doing now and every time I pass a course, is reward myself by celebrating each milestone I set for myself.  During this fall and winter semesters, I will have a 50% course load, on top of re-defining my role and studying to get my PMP.  A lot to take on; however it is something that whets my appetite, a challenge to push myself and see where all of this will take me. 

So here’s to my current and continued success of being that person who needs to learn, grow and attain each challenge I set out for myself.  Complacency is a word that does not exist in my world of challenge!

Do you believe you are your own worst critic?  How do you remind yourself that you are human and it is okay to push yourself but not over-do it? What do you do to celebrate, and recognize your achievements?  What do you think I should do to celebrate my first successful year back to school?

School---> work, Work---> school, School--->work; What to do and how much to do...

So I checked my marks a couple of weeks ago, finally after sitting on the fence in debating in knowing my results I bit the bullet and went on line.  To my amazement I passed, yes I am amazed, my friends and colleagues are not.  They knew I would do well and succeed beyond my expectations.  I am now off of academic advisement and am in good standing to be admitted to the Honours program.

I registered last week for the 2011-2012 Fall/Winter Semester and in typical fashion debated on taking more than the alloted 40% course load I assigned to myself.  In checking  what I have left to complete my Honours BA, I realized I have quite a bit to go.  For a moment it felt like I was looking up from the bottom of a very large mountain, but I need to keep reminding myself; its the journey NOT the destination.  I've been toying with taking on more courses but the idea is a bity scary in the sense of meeting my work and school obligations with success.  Curently with the course load I have registered for, puts me at 50% course load.  Another course will put me at approximately at a little over 70%.

In the midst of this change at work I want to be able to create a new role in what I already do, but am stuck in what direction to go in.  In my current role I have done pretty much everything and with no new project in sight that will challenge me in ways I have not been and no change to be promoted within the company my choices in avenues are definately different.  If I can not move vertically at the moment I will need to move horizontally, the big questions are how? and where?  Am still trying to figure this one out, and time is quickly passing me as I have to have some semblance of a plan before classes start after labour day.  Am not going to lie, I am a bit freaked out and a little stressed about it.

I know I am not one to be complacent, but being uncertain is something I do not totally enjoy and that is what I feel right now with the choices I have in front of me.  I do not want to over committ myself to something I am not vested in or will fail at.  I do not want to committ to something I know I will not complete or even enjoy.  Yet, I find myself feeling like I will be doing all of the above.  I have a few more years left to complete my degree and what I would really love most is just do that full time and not have to worry about working a full-time job.  However that is not a viable situation at the moment, alas I will need to make this work while pursuing this very personal goal of mine.

In an ideal world I see myself being able to take on my 70% course load as well as redefining and expanding my role at work.  In this ideal world I will be doing these both very successfully to the point that I get what I need to be enagaged in my work life until I finish my degree.

What would you do if you were me?  Do you think it is very advantageous of me to work full time and go to school full time these next two semesters?  What would you do in your work life if you had the opportunity to redefine your role?  Would you take it on along with school or would you just keep doing what you are doing and focus your efforts on school?  So many choices, so muc to decide....would love to hear what you think!

Things today...

Five things I am greatful for today

• The sun
• Being able to register for my courses for fall, winter sessions
• Having a laugh in the lunch room
• Knowing that in a couple of weeks I will be on vacation
• Moving forward

When I take one step forward...

Sometimes my life feels a bit cliched, I know that there are moments where people are frustrated with change.  I took a big plunge last year, I did something I had been stalling on since I packed two suitcases and came to this city almost a decade ago.  Going back to school while working, was a choice I made, it scared the shit out of me but in my 'gut', my soul I knew that this was the choice for me.  Fail or not,  I had to try.  I have to admit my first year back was both challenging and rewarding, I had a focus, I made my own rules and asked for support and got what I needed.  Yet still the small things seem to cast a shadow on the path I blazed for myself. 

In looking back at what I accomplished, going back to university, with a full time work schedule, a 40% course load and on top of that taking on more responsibility at work. I did something beyond challenging and with all of this I passed my courses!!  I am so proud of this and yet why do I focus on the things I cannot control?  Why do I let it affect me in a way which makes all that I accomplished seem so trivial?  I feel like I am losing the grip on the goal of finishing my degree, because of the little things affecting me outside of school.  Really I should not and am doing my best to figure out a way to 'not sweat the small things' because they, do not fit into the scope of my goals, my dream and committment to myself. 

I will 'dig' myself out of this rut I let myself get into.  I am going to need to trust that it will all work out, that the small stuff will always be there and to just let it go.  There is no time or place for these things in the plan I have committed to.  I will need to find a way to re-engage myself with the things outside of school without taking the focus off of the promised I made to myself when I sent in the application and got accepted.  What I worry about more often than not, is the 'how'.  How am I going to make this happen?  How is this going to happen?  I need to trust in knowing that I will figure it out, probably stumble along the way, but this is what makes it endearing and human.

I had a few conversations with some dear friends of mine and what I have taken from them is a few nuggets I am going to try to use to keep me focused.  Writing down five things each day I am greatful for as well as, just keeping count in the time it will take me to get to compelte the goal of a honours degree!

So here goes, I have approximately 2 years of continuous study until I have completed my degree in sociology, two years fly by faster than I think it will, so eyes on the prize!

The five things I am greatlful for:

1. My cat greeting me when I came home from a long day
2. Talking to one of my closest friends to ground me
3. Being able to sit outside in the warm sun
4. Having an amazing doctor's office, in particular my doctors medical assistant, who is A-MAZ-ZING and is always helpful and kind to me when I have questions!
5. Falling in love with a Monet painting of a sunset and sharing that love

Here's to me working out of this rut.  One step in front of the other, here's to perpetual motion forward!


How do you re-engage yourself back into something you do and used to enjoy?  What are five things you are greatful for today? How do you get yourself out of a rut?

I was gone but now I am back on the band wagon!...My reflections of where I have been

I have to admit that I fell of the wagon of blogging, between school, work and commuting the rest of my life was spent either sleeping or reading with the occasional time slot for laundry and groceries.  So now that my finals are over and I decided with much trepidation and the fact that the courses I wanted to take were full that I am taking the summer semester off to regroup, and recoup some much needed rest and reflection.  To this point I have some things to catch up on and others to deal with so I look forward much to this ‘free’ time to do them!

What I have learnt in the short and at times what felt as long eight months is that I can and did push myself to lengths I never thought possible.  To me I have accomplished something despite the odds, doubts and obstacles put in front of me.  In some ways it has made me feel a lot stronger, but most of all humble and in awe of the good people I have surrounded myself with.  Granted your friends are not true blood family, but my good friends sure made me feel that not having the blood connection was a moot point as they were there for me, cheering me on through my ups and downs of my first two semesters back at university.  My endless gratitude goes out to them, in every and any capacity they played in keeping me focused and spirits high.

Now what I get to do during my down time, is going to be fun, which is something I know I need to incorporate back into my life and continue during school too as that was missing a bit.  I look forward to a few road trips and just being able to clear off my PVR which I feel very connected to (smile).  On an even personal note I have been putting to the side a few things I know I need to deal with.  I had to put them aside for me to get through my first year back to studies so this is my acknowledgement of that.  I have learnt that what I have been socialized to in familial unit is very different once I set out on my own, and reconciling the two to make it work for me and where I am at in my life has been a bit of a struggle.  I know now that what I was socialized to is a foundation and from there I can change and make my own rules, while doing my best to respect the institution of family.  Of course there are those who will not and do not like what I do with the rules, however this is my declaration; you will need to respect my choices in order to be a part of my world! 

I am the master of my own happiness and to that I do what makes me feel good and in my own time.  I have learnt that the little things I get from the interactions from family are what truly makes me happy.  For instance my sister (who is younger than me) actually sent me a bbm and wished her big sister a happy Easter.  To some it may be something one expects from a sibling, but to me it means even more, I did not expect it, I appreciate it more than I think I can even explain in this blog.  Truly it made my day J

So I end on this note, that I am back on the blogging band wagon and hope to share more of the evolution of me(EM).

Hasta Luego!

A big step for me, and even bigger step for my ego...

Earlier this year I decided to submit my application to attend university as a mature student to finish my BA. I knew in taking this step I would have to face some facts about myself and also make some changes, all while facing the prospect of judgment and opposition. I was accepted into University in early June and I now face the last couple of weeks before this adventure begins. Talk about it being scary and exciting all at the same time!!! Today, I thought I'd share a bit of my thoughts on starting this journey.


I had to acknowledge that no matter what, if I was accepted or rejected (yet again) I would be determined to find another way to continue learning, be it in a traditional or non-traditional sense. While I was awaiting the acceptance/rejection letter I could not help but daydream at the possibilities. This almost felt like a choose your own adventure scenario;

o What would happen if I did get accepted?
o What would I do if I didn’t?
o Would I move or stay where I am at?
o How was I going to pay for all of this?
o Do I even have enough to be self sufficient?

The questions much like the possibilities were abundant, and I had to figure out the real answers to them, and fast! In trying to figure out the best possible outcome, I realized that this was a big change and one that I was almost scared to do. To be a student and while working full-time was something foreign to me. My fear was (and still is) that I would not be successful and even worse fail at one, or even both. However to acknowledge the possibility of failure meant that I had to acknowledge the even better possibility of succeeding, so I am doing my best to stick with that. I would not have been able to do this without some great sounding boards and the motivation of making a better me from this whole situation no matter what the letter would say! The wheels were put in motion and I was determined to learn at least one thing from this whole encounter.

The feared opposition and judgment of this new choice in my life I knew would come no matter what, the amount well is still to be determined. I erred on the side of optimistic caution in the hope that my workplace would work with me to accommodate my school schedule while being able to meet the business needs. In proposing it to my manager I was a nervous wreck as this represented a change that could easily be denied as it could be accepted. I was very fortunate that she was very excited for me and wanted to do what she could to make this a reality. I was and am very fortunate to have such champions in my corner! Needless to say the rest of senior management were a little freaked out at first hearing what I wanted to do, but they warmed to the idea and wanted to support and encourage me. As far as my fear of being judged and pushback, it is most like how you are not able to make everyone happy in whatever you do. My applying and ultimately being accepted, is something I worked hard for and despite anyone who did not feel happy or supportive, IMHO, they have a right to feel how they want to, however I have a right to not let it affect me and my goals.

That being written, I now count down the final days to my starting school and working while doing it! I have heard this: When you are scared at something you have set out to do, you know it is the right course of action. Here is (hopefully) to my impending success to the challenge I have set out for myself!!!