Life isn't fair, Neither is life cut short...

These past few weeks have been full of uncomfortable learning’s; however none have been as painful as that of losing a member of my family member who was, is still very dear to me.  She was full of life, a smile, and questions and without a doubt, someone I always took joy in seeing, and spending time with.  A lovely memory was one where she came a few years ago to visit her family out east during the summer.  Her first leg of her trip was with me, when I was not working we did things, chatted, talk, ate, even took her to get her hair done and then to dinner.  I wanted to show her that even though biologically we were cousins on some level I would like her to have thought I was a ‘pseudo older sister’ who loved and wanted only but happiness for her.  

I remember her as a little baby, so full of life, in that she was determined to never let any limitation confine her in any way possible.  If she wanted to do something, she put her mind to it and it happened.  She always smiled triumphantly whenever she did accomplish something; this is something I will remember most about her.  Oh and her insatiable hunger! Always asking while she opened my fridge:  ‘You got anything to eat?’  To ME these are aspects which endear her to me, made me want to be in her life and she in mine.  These amongst many are the memories of which I choose to carry with me.

What I am most saddened with is that she must have thought she could not turn to anyone in her deepest darkest moments to talk and have someone listen to her, to know that she was not alone and that no matter what that she had a support system she could rely on. She will never know that she had someone who could on some levels relate to her and offer a very empathetic ear.  As I look back on how this unfortunate death came to pass, I can make connections and see where things ‘could’ have indicated that all was not well. 

It is frustrating as this is all that I have to go on, speculation and it is something which I will be plagued with till the end of my days.  This young woman I had great hopes for, I thought the world of her and thought; I did not have to worry too much about her as she had a great head on her shoulders.  I saw that same determination she had as a little girl as in the young woman I thought I knew.  This is something I both celebrate and question her for.  Anything to the point of recklessness will never end well, and even though it is easier to obsess then to stop I truly wished I had known, that she had reached out, that this never happened, that I could help/ed her, that I could tell her this moment will pass and you will look back and say:  “I made it through this, I can make it through anything!”. 

I know that I will be left with more questions than answers.  I acknowledge that I am just one person and even though on some levels I feel like I could have helped in some way of preventing this from happening, logically I know that I probably did not have even the most remote chance of stopping it from happening.

I hurt in ways I thought I could never hurt, I feel alone, angry and sad.  If the word helpless could summarize what I am feeling then I would use it, but it is more than that.  I know I have dealt with a lot in my own life and yet it seems like I am destined to feel and experience more than I bargained for.  I questions how will this help me? I wonder will this drive us apart or together?  A realist in me wants to say the latter, the optimist and what I was raised to believe wants to believe the former.  I am straddling two perceptions, I am torn into pieces which in some way I have to put back together some way, somehow and yet I do not know how to start.  I am immobilized as I look at yet another mountain of challenges I need to climb.  This is not fear but sorrow, heartache, anguish, angst, pain and anger in trying to make some sense, enough for me to move forward and continue with life.

What I can say today, in this moment is that the life we have is on borrowed time, I hope that you make the most of it.

The time of assignments...

So in keeping with my experimentation I am writing again to help get the writing 'juices' going. I finally completed and handed my assignment that was due yesterday. With approximately 3 hours sleep and help from my co-workers/friends, I was able to work, get feedback from what I wrote in the early hours of Monday morning, edit my paper and then go to class to hand it in!

Now onto my first presentation of the year, it’s about sampling and let me tell you I am actually interested in it, or I should say that it has engaged me enough to want to learn as much as I can. I guess that saving face (insert sociological term) is really what is motivating me. I do not want to look like I do not know anything or that I am ill-prepared so I am doing my best to appear somewhat knowledgeable (I'm not going for expert on this) enough to let my T.A. know that I understood it and maybe get some class participation from my peers. Fingers crossed yet again and wish me luck!

I do have to share my feelings about missing the Halloween festivities and Halloween night. It is really one of my favourite holidays, yes I said holidays because to me it is truly something to celebrate. Aside from free candy; this is more for the kids, I really thrive off the creativity people put into their costumes. I do not mean take a costume like a bumble bee and make it 'slutty bumble bee', no I mean something that makes you say: 'AWESOME costume' Alas there will be more Halloween’s in my future but this year I was sad that I couldn't partake in dressing up.

Well cry now laugh later, this is my mantra about having to accomplish my studies so that I can truly (and eventually) enjoy life sooner. Ahhhh sacrifice...it’s a doozy but I know in my bones it is worth it!!

• So what did you do for the halloween weekend? 
• Did you dress up and if so what did you dress up as? (no judgement if it was slutty, its just not my bag)
• Did you go trick-or-treating with the kiddies and if so how much loot did you confiscate?
• What was your favourite costume when you dressed up for halloween? (gotta live vicariously through my peers)

Till next post!

School---> work, Work---> school, School--->work; What to do and how much to do...

So I checked my marks a couple of weeks ago, finally after sitting on the fence in debating in knowing my results I bit the bullet and went on line.  To my amazement I passed, yes I am amazed, my friends and colleagues are not.  They knew I would do well and succeed beyond my expectations.  I am now off of academic advisement and am in good standing to be admitted to the Honours program.

I registered last week for the 2011-2012 Fall/Winter Semester and in typical fashion debated on taking more than the alloted 40% course load I assigned to myself.  In checking  what I have left to complete my Honours BA, I realized I have quite a bit to go.  For a moment it felt like I was looking up from the bottom of a very large mountain, but I need to keep reminding myself; its the journey NOT the destination.  I've been toying with taking on more courses but the idea is a bity scary in the sense of meeting my work and school obligations with success.  Curently with the course load I have registered for, puts me at 50% course load.  Another course will put me at approximately at a little over 70%.

In the midst of this change at work I want to be able to create a new role in what I already do, but am stuck in what direction to go in.  In my current role I have done pretty much everything and with no new project in sight that will challenge me in ways I have not been and no change to be promoted within the company my choices in avenues are definately different.  If I can not move vertically at the moment I will need to move horizontally, the big questions are how? and where?  Am still trying to figure this one out, and time is quickly passing me as I have to have some semblance of a plan before classes start after labour day.  Am not going to lie, I am a bit freaked out and a little stressed about it.

I know I am not one to be complacent, but being uncertain is something I do not totally enjoy and that is what I feel right now with the choices I have in front of me.  I do not want to over committ myself to something I am not vested in or will fail at.  I do not want to committ to something I know I will not complete or even enjoy.  Yet, I find myself feeling like I will be doing all of the above.  I have a few more years left to complete my degree and what I would really love most is just do that full time and not have to worry about working a full-time job.  However that is not a viable situation at the moment, alas I will need to make this work while pursuing this very personal goal of mine.

In an ideal world I see myself being able to take on my 70% course load as well as redefining and expanding my role at work.  In this ideal world I will be doing these both very successfully to the point that I get what I need to be enagaged in my work life until I finish my degree.

What would you do if you were me?  Do you think it is very advantageous of me to work full time and go to school full time these next two semesters?  What would you do in your work life if you had the opportunity to redefine your role?  Would you take it on along with school or would you just keep doing what you are doing and focus your efforts on school?  So many choices, so muc to decide....would love to hear what you think!

Things today...

Five things I am greatful for today

• The sun
• Being able to register for my courses for fall, winter sessions
• Having a laugh in the lunch room
• Knowing that in a couple of weeks I will be on vacation
• Moving forward

Sooner said than done....well seems like someone is reading my mind

So I called my grandfather to wish him a Happy Easter and as usual the phone call never seems to go as I expect which is usually half the fun of speaking with him.  He usually seems to say something that will console me in a way that he is reading my mind.  It is times like this where I wish we had an unlimited amount of time to talk and discuss things about life both, past, present and future.  I know it is a wish that will never be fulfilled but until his end of days I will do my best in cherishing the time I do have with him.

Granted he is not the biggest talker on the phone, but if you keep the topics coming he is pretty good about sharing things with me.  Seems that this call we had alot to talk about, this time it was me telling him that I finally got to ride the train for the very first time.  He worked for VIA and I always thought when I was little that I would ride the train with him.  I imagined that we would have the most amazing time, him telling me stories about what he did, who he met and information about the stops we arrived at.  On our call today he shared how he would take the train back to New Glasgow every year since his father passed away in 1979.  This is something I never knew and I am so glad he shared that with me.  Its calls like this that I cherish and wish to have more of with. 

We also spoke about how things are always changing and then we discussed relationships between family members and I shared something with him that I wanted to get off my chest.  It was much easier than I thought it would be I think it had to do more with me thinking that I would get more push back from him.  In fact it was, what I thought quite the opposite, I think he knew that once I set my mind to something especially something like this that there was no use in trying to dissuade me from it.  Once again it makes me glad that I have experienced him from childhood into adulthood.  Truly it is like knowing two different people, despite being the same person.  Knowing him as a child was amazing although I didn't always understand things I knew that he loved me, loved spending time with me and only once did he ever say he was disappointed in me and I thought it was the end of the world.  Experiencing him as an adult is the same but different....yes an oxymoron but I am sure you get it!  I know as an adult he loves me, loves spending time with me and that we can discuss things that I never thought we would get a chance to talk about.  I guess this is the joy of knowing your grandfather from a child to an adult. 

Now if all conversations with family were this easy, I think-no I know that we would be discussing things all of the time.  Here’s to forward thinking!  Okay 10 more minutes to Sunday and to that I am signing off and heading to bed so I can face Monday and its hopefully mundane-ness!

Yoga.....jury is still out

So in the midst of tying to keep on the path of eating right and fitting in workouts into my already busy schedule a friend and I decided to add Yoga to our workouts to keep us motivated in our journey's to our better feeling and looking selves.  Now I have not been the greatest fan of it as I am unable to clear my mind and truly focus on the task at hand, mainly due to the fact that there is sooo much going on in my mind that I have to keep up with.  Between what I need to do for work, school, home and then maintain some semblance of a social life when these essential activities in my life can be shufled around to fit this in I wonder if I can devote hours, months, and years to this journey why not 60 minutes dedicated to really giving this yoga a real chance?

I know I won't be some great kind of yogi, however being able to be flexible while detoxifying my body, quieting my mind and 'giving positive energy to my spirit' (as per my instructor from last nights class)....I'll keep you posted as to my progress on this.

What are your thoughts on yoga?  Is there a specific kind/practice you enjoy or not enjoy?  Do you prefer pilates or thai chi over yoga?  Where is your favourite studio to take classes at?

Pain is good...

So I did my first hot hatha yoga session on Saturday with my friend Nat!  I have to say I have never sweated like I did in that class, it was great, detoxifying and made me realize that I am not that flexible.  It made me realize that I need this challenge to get to that point of being able to go through a class like this and not be panting like I just ran five miles instead of doing a series of 10 up-ward dog, downward dog movements. 

Now that I have done my week of last suppers I am ready to get onto the train of hard work and pain are good things towards a better me!  Being able to make this change is not going to be easy but it is nice to know that I can share my journey with other friends who are on a very similar path of evolving into a better, healthier women!  So I have resovled to get to running before I get to work, so I must go pack my bag and lunch before I get some z's

Have you stuck with your new resolve/resolution for 2011?  If so how is it going?  If not, what has set you back and will get back on to the 'wagon'?  What else have you added to your workout routine/schedule?