Life isn't fair, Neither is life cut short...

These past few weeks have been full of uncomfortable learning’s; however none have been as painful as that of losing a member of my family member who was, is still very dear to me.  She was full of life, a smile, and questions and without a doubt, someone I always took joy in seeing, and spending time with.  A lovely memory was one where she came a few years ago to visit her family out east during the summer.  Her first leg of her trip was with me, when I was not working we did things, chatted, talk, ate, even took her to get her hair done and then to dinner.  I wanted to show her that even though biologically we were cousins on some level I would like her to have thought I was a ‘pseudo older sister’ who loved and wanted only but happiness for her.  

I remember her as a little baby, so full of life, in that she was determined to never let any limitation confine her in any way possible.  If she wanted to do something, she put her mind to it and it happened.  She always smiled triumphantly whenever she did accomplish something; this is something I will remember most about her.  Oh and her insatiable hunger! Always asking while she opened my fridge:  ‘You got anything to eat?’  To ME these are aspects which endear her to me, made me want to be in her life and she in mine.  These amongst many are the memories of which I choose to carry with me.

What I am most saddened with is that she must have thought she could not turn to anyone in her deepest darkest moments to talk and have someone listen to her, to know that she was not alone and that no matter what that she had a support system she could rely on. She will never know that she had someone who could on some levels relate to her and offer a very empathetic ear.  As I look back on how this unfortunate death came to pass, I can make connections and see where things ‘could’ have indicated that all was not well. 

It is frustrating as this is all that I have to go on, speculation and it is something which I will be plagued with till the end of my days.  This young woman I had great hopes for, I thought the world of her and thought; I did not have to worry too much about her as she had a great head on her shoulders.  I saw that same determination she had as a little girl as in the young woman I thought I knew.  This is something I both celebrate and question her for.  Anything to the point of recklessness will never end well, and even though it is easier to obsess then to stop I truly wished I had known, that she had reached out, that this never happened, that I could help/ed her, that I could tell her this moment will pass and you will look back and say:  “I made it through this, I can make it through anything!”. 

I know that I will be left with more questions than answers.  I acknowledge that I am just one person and even though on some levels I feel like I could have helped in some way of preventing this from happening, logically I know that I probably did not have even the most remote chance of stopping it from happening.

I hurt in ways I thought I could never hurt, I feel alone, angry and sad.  If the word helpless could summarize what I am feeling then I would use it, but it is more than that.  I know I have dealt with a lot in my own life and yet it seems like I am destined to feel and experience more than I bargained for.  I questions how will this help me? I wonder will this drive us apart or together?  A realist in me wants to say the latter, the optimist and what I was raised to believe wants to believe the former.  I am straddling two perceptions, I am torn into pieces which in some way I have to put back together some way, somehow and yet I do not know how to start.  I am immobilized as I look at yet another mountain of challenges I need to climb.  This is not fear but sorrow, heartache, anguish, angst, pain and anger in trying to make some sense, enough for me to move forward and continue with life.

What I can say today, in this moment is that the life we have is on borrowed time, I hope that you make the most of it.

My Reflections...

Realizations are my 'ah ha' moments, or what some could and do call epiphany’s. I do enjoy my realizations about things and how much I can stand in my own way without even realizing it. More often than not this seems to be the case, and I'll need to ask those of you who are not afraid to speak up, to give me a nudge, or shake to make me take a side step in getting in my own way of progress.
I realize, I am my own worst critic, that I am harder on myself than most people are on me that I tend to be alot in my head and do not always say what I am feeling. I guess the root of that is fear, fear of being rejected, looking stupid, feeling stupid and even told that I have no right to say and feel the way I am feeling.

This year for my fall and winter term classes I picked doozies, and they right now are not interesting, stimulating and I have that feeling that I think I will never use them and that they are pointless. Needless to say, when I registered for these courses-I thought I would at least enjoy aspects of them. Right now I am staring at the screen looking at my notes for a paper due on Monday and inspiration is the furthest thing from me. I thought why not try to do some writing which will hopefully spin off into my assignment due? So this is why I am doing this entry today, to get my creative juices flowing (hopefully) and spin this off into my paper...so fingers crossed. I do hope that this theory works as I have a few more assignments due this week and next week! I will keep you posted as I do my best to post before, (perhaps even during) and after my assignments.

On to another realization which happened this week, my great-uncle (on my grandmother's side) passed away and his funeral is today. I only met him a couple times in my life, however the memories of being able to experience him has stayed with me. He did have a 'way' with words, a big personality but even with that something I think is synonymous with him and my grandmother is their great ability in the kitchen! He was a great cook in the kitchen and could make anything taste fantastic! I do have some regret, in that I really did not get to know him and his children very well and I guess the 'getting-to-know-you' goes both ways. I guess that is just how life goes sometimes and especially with such a big family. Overall I feel sad in that my cousins, my great-uncles wife (Deb), his grandchildren, nieces, nephews and siblings lost someone. I know that we all are selfish in that we want our family members to live eternally, however 75 years is a good time on this earth. I do know that what memories I do have of my great-uncle, I will cherish until my end of days.

Another realization I have wanted to share but had some difficulties in putting it into the right words is about friendships and friends. These last couple of years I have had some great and some not-so-great people come into my life. In regards to the short-term friendships which impacted me in a positive way I am thankful for, they opened me up to things I was once closed off to, or neglected in myself. I can speak volumes about how and what they did, but I do not want to bore or divulge information which either myself or these people do not want have disclosed so I will just leave it at that.

I am going to now to speak to the friendships which impacted me negatively, although there was and still is some fantastic learning’s from these relationships what it did left me with was a bad taste in my mouth and hurt feelings. There was someone whom I met through mutual friends and granted this friendship was tumultuous at times I felt I was my most honest with this person. An opportunity came up for employment at my workplace (there is a lesson in this my friend if you haven't learned this one already) and I advised them of it. I did stipulate that how they knew me outside of work would vary to that inside of the workplace and, if they were fine with this that I would forward their resume onto the 'hiring powers'. This supposed friend agreed and said it was fine and they eventually were hired.

Well as most of you can already guess, this relationship both inside and outside the workplace deteriorated. The relationship ended despite a few times to revive it. I did my best to take the high road, however this person then went to spread some horrible rumours to our mutual friends, so much so that they convinced them to alienate me. I was aware that something was said to these supposed friends and gave them the benefit of my doubt that they were reasonable people and would understand that there were three sides to every 'story' (theirs, mine and the truth). Unfortunately this did not happen and did not know the exact 'story' which was told to this group of friends until a dear friend from this circle decided to tell me this summer, she knew I would never do what I was accused of.

I was upset and very hurt as someone was trying to speak the character of me and the values I have. I would never disrespect a friend’s romantic relationship; I do my best to always respect it. I would never walk around saying that I was sleeping with my friends partner or even do something like that, I respect myself and my relationships with my friends way too much to do that. Since knowing this, I now feel a bit on edge when I with my true friends and I know it is something I will need to work through. I do not know what I will say whenever I see this person but I do know that it will not be silence, it will be handled with a modicum of respect for myself as well as class BUT they will know that this will not be tolerated. In terms of the 'friends' who decided to not question the source of where this rumour came from I will keep at a distance and refer to them more as acquaintances.


These are all the reflections I will share today as I think I have geared up to get this paper put to bed and then onto the next assignment....a presentation using neither Power Point or You Tube, about the topic of film!  Wish me luck :)

• So what would you do if you picked courses that turned out to something which you knew did not hold your interest, however you knew you had to take as it was a pre-requisite?
• Do you regret not spending time with your extended family?  If so what would you do to correct that?
• In terms of friendships, what would you do if you had a friendship which ended badly and resulted in the 'ex'-friend spreading false rumours about you?

Till my next post!!!

Sooner said than done....well seems like someone is reading my mind

So I called my grandfather to wish him a Happy Easter and as usual the phone call never seems to go as I expect which is usually half the fun of speaking with him.  He usually seems to say something that will console me in a way that he is reading my mind.  It is times like this where I wish we had an unlimited amount of time to talk and discuss things about life both, past, present and future.  I know it is a wish that will never be fulfilled but until his end of days I will do my best in cherishing the time I do have with him.

Granted he is not the biggest talker on the phone, but if you keep the topics coming he is pretty good about sharing things with me.  Seems that this call we had alot to talk about, this time it was me telling him that I finally got to ride the train for the very first time.  He worked for VIA and I always thought when I was little that I would ride the train with him.  I imagined that we would have the most amazing time, him telling me stories about what he did, who he met and information about the stops we arrived at.  On our call today he shared how he would take the train back to New Glasgow every year since his father passed away in 1979.  This is something I never knew and I am so glad he shared that with me.  Its calls like this that I cherish and wish to have more of with. 

We also spoke about how things are always changing and then we discussed relationships between family members and I shared something with him that I wanted to get off my chest.  It was much easier than I thought it would be I think it had to do more with me thinking that I would get more push back from him.  In fact it was, what I thought quite the opposite, I think he knew that once I set my mind to something especially something like this that there was no use in trying to dissuade me from it.  Once again it makes me glad that I have experienced him from childhood into adulthood.  Truly it is like knowing two different people, despite being the same person.  Knowing him as a child was amazing although I didn't always understand things I knew that he loved me, loved spending time with me and only once did he ever say he was disappointed in me and I thought it was the end of the world.  Experiencing him as an adult is the same but different....yes an oxymoron but I am sure you get it!  I know as an adult he loves me, loves spending time with me and that we can discuss things that I never thought we would get a chance to talk about.  I guess this is the joy of knowing your grandfather from a child to an adult. 

Now if all conversations with family were this easy, I think-no I know that we would be discussing things all of the time.  Here’s to forward thinking!  Okay 10 more minutes to Sunday and to that I am signing off and heading to bed so I can face Monday and its hopefully mundane-ness!

I was gone but now I am back on the band wagon!...My reflections of where I have been

I have to admit that I fell of the wagon of blogging, between school, work and commuting the rest of my life was spent either sleeping or reading with the occasional time slot for laundry and groceries.  So now that my finals are over and I decided with much trepidation and the fact that the courses I wanted to take were full that I am taking the summer semester off to regroup, and recoup some much needed rest and reflection.  To this point I have some things to catch up on and others to deal with so I look forward much to this ‘free’ time to do them!

What I have learnt in the short and at times what felt as long eight months is that I can and did push myself to lengths I never thought possible.  To me I have accomplished something despite the odds, doubts and obstacles put in front of me.  In some ways it has made me feel a lot stronger, but most of all humble and in awe of the good people I have surrounded myself with.  Granted your friends are not true blood family, but my good friends sure made me feel that not having the blood connection was a moot point as they were there for me, cheering me on through my ups and downs of my first two semesters back at university.  My endless gratitude goes out to them, in every and any capacity they played in keeping me focused and spirits high.

Now what I get to do during my down time, is going to be fun, which is something I know I need to incorporate back into my life and continue during school too as that was missing a bit.  I look forward to a few road trips and just being able to clear off my PVR which I feel very connected to (smile).  On an even personal note I have been putting to the side a few things I know I need to deal with.  I had to put them aside for me to get through my first year back to studies so this is my acknowledgement of that.  I have learnt that what I have been socialized to in familial unit is very different once I set out on my own, and reconciling the two to make it work for me and where I am at in my life has been a bit of a struggle.  I know now that what I was socialized to is a foundation and from there I can change and make my own rules, while doing my best to respect the institution of family.  Of course there are those who will not and do not like what I do with the rules, however this is my declaration; you will need to respect my choices in order to be a part of my world! 

I am the master of my own happiness and to that I do what makes me feel good and in my own time.  I have learnt that the little things I get from the interactions from family are what truly makes me happy.  For instance my sister (who is younger than me) actually sent me a bbm and wished her big sister a happy Easter.  To some it may be something one expects from a sibling, but to me it means even more, I did not expect it, I appreciate it more than I think I can even explain in this blog.  Truly it made my day J

So I end on this note, that I am back on the blogging band wagon and hope to share more of the evolution of me(EM).

Hasta Luego!