I realize, I am my own worst critic, that I am harder on myself than most people are on me that I tend to be alot in my head and do not always say what I am feeling. I guess the root of that is fear, fear of being rejected, looking stupid, feeling stupid and even told that I have no right to say and feel the way I am feeling.
This year for my fall and winter term classes I picked doozies, and they right now are not interesting, stimulating and I have that feeling that I think I will never use them and that they are pointless. Needless to say, when I registered for these courses-I thought I would at least enjoy aspects of them. Right now I am staring at the screen looking at my notes for a paper due on Monday and inspiration is the furthest thing from me. I thought why not try to do some writing which will hopefully spin off into my assignment due? So this is why I am doing this entry today, to get my creative juices flowing (hopefully) and spin this off into my paper...so fingers crossed. I do hope that this theory works as I have a few more assignments due this week and next week! I will keep you posted as I do my best to post before, (perhaps even during) and after my assignments.
On to another realization which happened this week, my great-uncle (on my grandmother's side) passed away and his funeral is today. I only met him a couple times in my life, however the memories of being able to experience him has stayed with me. He did have a 'way' with words, a big personality but even with that something I think is synonymous with him and my grandmother is their great ability in the kitchen! He was a great cook in the kitchen and could make anything taste fantastic! I do have some regret, in that I really did not get to know him and his children very well and I guess the 'getting-to-know-you' goes both ways. I guess that is just how life goes sometimes and especially with such a big family. Overall I feel sad in that my cousins, my great-uncles wife (Deb), his grandchildren, nieces, nephews and siblings lost someone. I know that we all are selfish in that we want our family members to live eternally, however 75 years is a good time on this earth. I do know that what memories I do have of my great-uncle, I will cherish until my end of days.
Another realization I have wanted to share but had some difficulties in putting it into the right words is about friendships and friends. These last couple of years I have had some great and some not-so-great people come into my life. In regards to the short-term friendships which impacted me in a positive way I am thankful for, they opened me up to things I was once closed off to, or neglected in myself. I can speak volumes about how and what they did, but I do not want to bore or divulge information which either myself or these people do not want have disclosed so I will just leave it at that.
I am going to now to speak to the friendships which impacted me negatively, although there was and still is some fantastic learning’s from these relationships what it did left me with was a bad taste in my mouth and hurt feelings. There was someone whom I met through mutual friends and granted this friendship was tumultuous at times I felt I was my most honest with this person. An opportunity came up for employment at my workplace (there is a lesson in this my friend if you haven't learned this one already) and I advised them of it. I did stipulate that how they knew me outside of work would vary to that inside of the workplace and, if they were fine with this that I would forward their resume onto the 'hiring powers'. This supposed friend agreed and said it was fine and they eventually were hired.
Well as most of you can already guess, this relationship both inside and outside the workplace deteriorated. The relationship ended despite a few times to revive it. I did my best to take the high road, however this person then went to spread some horrible rumours to our mutual friends, so much so that they convinced them to alienate me. I was aware that something was said to these supposed friends and gave them the benefit of my doubt that they were reasonable people and would understand that there were three sides to every 'story' (theirs, mine and the truth). Unfortunately this did not happen and did not know the exact 'story' which was told to this group of friends until a dear friend from this circle decided to tell me this summer, she knew I would never do what I was accused of.
I was upset and very hurt as someone was trying to speak the character of me and the values I have. I would never disrespect a friend’s romantic relationship; I do my best to always respect it. I would never walk around saying that I was sleeping with my friends partner or even do something like that, I respect myself and my relationships with my friends way too much to do that. Since knowing this, I now feel a bit on edge when I with my true friends and I know it is something I will need to work through. I do not know what I will say whenever I see this person but I do know that it will not be silence, it will be handled with a modicum of respect for myself as well as class BUT they will know that this will not be tolerated. In terms of the 'friends' who decided to not question the source of where this rumour came from I will keep at a distance and refer to them more as acquaintances.
These are all the reflections I will share today as I think I have geared up to get this paper put to bed and then onto the next assignment....a presentation using neither Power Point or You Tube, about the topic of film! Wish me luck :)
- So what would you do if you picked courses that turned out to something which you knew did not hold your interest, however you knew you had to take as it was a pre-requisite?
- Do you regret not spending time with your extended family? If so what would you do to correct that?
- In terms of friendships, what would you do if you had a friendship which ended badly and resulted in the 'ex'-friend spreading false rumours about you?
Till my next post!!!
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