What a relief it is!

Do you remember the eno commercial?  Well the paper I just finished was very much the jingle that speaks of how I thought I did with this particular paper.  It has been such a long semester, I thought that doing courses this summer would prove to be a distraction to the greif I have been and still dealing with now.  I know I am not alone as another family member did something very similar (it always surprises me how much my blood relatives are so similar in the decisions we make by ourselves), the result is that I am burnt, raw, hurt, emotional and lost. 

I now know that doing this, taking courses during a time of grief is not the answer for me.  I thought I could use the emotions I have been feeling since then,  as way to push myself forward and continue my goal in a step closer in finishing my degree.  The result of this paper kind of culminates this whole experience of how painful it has been to get the thoughts for my paper out of my head onto paper.  If it was not for a very empathetic and helpful TA as well as a very scattered and unorganized professor during such a very intensive and dense course. 

It was lovely that the moment I finished the paper, saved it and sent it off to my TA the skys opened up and the rain fell like my relief off my shoulders.  I felt just like mother nature did when the rain fell, refreshed, happy like a thirst that had been quenched.  I have learnt quite a bit during this smester, I know that it is okay to take a moment, catch my breath, find centre and ensure that I am okay to keep moving forward.  If am not any of those things then it is time to take a break and it is okay to do so.

A part of me is disappointed that I need to breath, however I realize and acknowledge that it is the journey I need to keep in light and to celebrate how far I have come despite my obstacles.  I never thought that I would see the end of this course, it did break me in way, however in knowing that I was already broken it was no surprise how tired I have been feeling. 

I am hopeful that with this break I can do what I need to find balance, come to peace with the sudden loss of a dear member of my family and pick up where I left off to keep moving forward.