My Reflections...

Realizations are my 'ah ha' moments, or what some could and do call epiphany’s. I do enjoy my realizations about things and how much I can stand in my own way without even realizing it. More often than not this seems to be the case, and I'll need to ask those of you who are not afraid to speak up, to give me a nudge, or shake to make me take a side step in getting in my own way of progress.
I realize, I am my own worst critic, that I am harder on myself than most people are on me that I tend to be alot in my head and do not always say what I am feeling. I guess the root of that is fear, fear of being rejected, looking stupid, feeling stupid and even told that I have no right to say and feel the way I am feeling.

This year for my fall and winter term classes I picked doozies, and they right now are not interesting, stimulating and I have that feeling that I think I will never use them and that they are pointless. Needless to say, when I registered for these courses-I thought I would at least enjoy aspects of them. Right now I am staring at the screen looking at my notes for a paper due on Monday and inspiration is the furthest thing from me. I thought why not try to do some writing which will hopefully spin off into my assignment due? So this is why I am doing this entry today, to get my creative juices flowing (hopefully) and spin this off into my paper...so fingers crossed. I do hope that this theory works as I have a few more assignments due this week and next week! I will keep you posted as I do my best to post before, (perhaps even during) and after my assignments.

On to another realization which happened this week, my great-uncle (on my grandmother's side) passed away and his funeral is today. I only met him a couple times in my life, however the memories of being able to experience him has stayed with me. He did have a 'way' with words, a big personality but even with that something I think is synonymous with him and my grandmother is their great ability in the kitchen! He was a great cook in the kitchen and could make anything taste fantastic! I do have some regret, in that I really did not get to know him and his children very well and I guess the 'getting-to-know-you' goes both ways. I guess that is just how life goes sometimes and especially with such a big family. Overall I feel sad in that my cousins, my great-uncles wife (Deb), his grandchildren, nieces, nephews and siblings lost someone. I know that we all are selfish in that we want our family members to live eternally, however 75 years is a good time on this earth. I do know that what memories I do have of my great-uncle, I will cherish until my end of days.

Another realization I have wanted to share but had some difficulties in putting it into the right words is about friendships and friends. These last couple of years I have had some great and some not-so-great people come into my life. In regards to the short-term friendships which impacted me in a positive way I am thankful for, they opened me up to things I was once closed off to, or neglected in myself. I can speak volumes about how and what they did, but I do not want to bore or divulge information which either myself or these people do not want have disclosed so I will just leave it at that.

I am going to now to speak to the friendships which impacted me negatively, although there was and still is some fantastic learning’s from these relationships what it did left me with was a bad taste in my mouth and hurt feelings. There was someone whom I met through mutual friends and granted this friendship was tumultuous at times I felt I was my most honest with this person. An opportunity came up for employment at my workplace (there is a lesson in this my friend if you haven't learned this one already) and I advised them of it. I did stipulate that how they knew me outside of work would vary to that inside of the workplace and, if they were fine with this that I would forward their resume onto the 'hiring powers'. This supposed friend agreed and said it was fine and they eventually were hired.

Well as most of you can already guess, this relationship both inside and outside the workplace deteriorated. The relationship ended despite a few times to revive it. I did my best to take the high road, however this person then went to spread some horrible rumours to our mutual friends, so much so that they convinced them to alienate me. I was aware that something was said to these supposed friends and gave them the benefit of my doubt that they were reasonable people and would understand that there were three sides to every 'story' (theirs, mine and the truth). Unfortunately this did not happen and did not know the exact 'story' which was told to this group of friends until a dear friend from this circle decided to tell me this summer, she knew I would never do what I was accused of.

I was upset and very hurt as someone was trying to speak the character of me and the values I have. I would never disrespect a friend’s romantic relationship; I do my best to always respect it. I would never walk around saying that I was sleeping with my friends partner or even do something like that, I respect myself and my relationships with my friends way too much to do that. Since knowing this, I now feel a bit on edge when I with my true friends and I know it is something I will need to work through. I do not know what I will say whenever I see this person but I do know that it will not be silence, it will be handled with a modicum of respect for myself as well as class BUT they will know that this will not be tolerated. In terms of the 'friends' who decided to not question the source of where this rumour came from I will keep at a distance and refer to them more as acquaintances.


These are all the reflections I will share today as I think I have geared up to get this paper put to bed and then onto the next assignment....a presentation using neither Power Point or You Tube, about the topic of film!  Wish me luck :)

• So what would you do if you picked courses that turned out to something which you knew did not hold your interest, however you knew you had to take as it was a pre-requisite?
• Do you regret not spending time with your extended family?  If so what would you do to correct that?
• In terms of friendships, what would you do if you had a friendship which ended badly and resulted in the 'ex'-friend spreading false rumours about you?

Till my next post!!!

Reminders...What do you do to give yourself a reality check?

I was reminded today that I need to celebrate what I have accomplished and continue to do so and to keep focused on what I am doing  while not trying to concentrate on what I am not doing. I was also reminded of how extremely hard I am on myself. I push myself because I want to see how far I can go, not to mention I am fearful of complacency. I had a bit of a moment today when I realized that a goal I set for myself was not entirely realistic to my situation. However, it still is a little disappointing that the very advantageous goal I wanted to achieve is beyond my current situation.


Nevertheless I was reminded that I have decided to pursue a difficult goal which most people are not capable to do. During my first year back in university, I took on more responsibility at my full-time job, despite carrying a 40% course load. In and of itself, what I have done and will continue to do this fall, and for the next few years is something which is both extremely challenging and rewarding, as it gets me closer to the aspiration of attaining my Honours BA Soci.  What I should be doing now and every time I pass a course, is reward myself by celebrating each milestone I set for myself.  During this fall and winter semesters, I will have a 50% course load, on top of re-defining my role and studying to get my PMP.  A lot to take on; however it is something that whets my appetite, a challenge to push myself and see where all of this will take me. 

So here’s to my current and continued success of being that person who needs to learn, grow and attain each challenge I set out for myself.  Complacency is a word that does not exist in my world of challenge!

Do you believe you are your own worst critic?  How do you remind yourself that you are human and it is okay to push yourself but not over-do it? What do you do to celebrate, and recognize your achievements?  What do you think I should do to celebrate my first successful year back to school?

School---> work, Work---> school, School--->work; What to do and how much to do...

So I checked my marks a couple of weeks ago, finally after sitting on the fence in debating in knowing my results I bit the bullet and went on line.  To my amazement I passed, yes I am amazed, my friends and colleagues are not.  They knew I would do well and succeed beyond my expectations.  I am now off of academic advisement and am in good standing to be admitted to the Honours program.

I registered last week for the 2011-2012 Fall/Winter Semester and in typical fashion debated on taking more than the alloted 40% course load I assigned to myself.  In checking  what I have left to complete my Honours BA, I realized I have quite a bit to go.  For a moment it felt like I was looking up from the bottom of a very large mountain, but I need to keep reminding myself; its the journey NOT the destination.  I've been toying with taking on more courses but the idea is a bity scary in the sense of meeting my work and school obligations with success.  Curently with the course load I have registered for, puts me at 50% course load.  Another course will put me at approximately at a little over 70%.

In the midst of this change at work I want to be able to create a new role in what I already do, but am stuck in what direction to go in.  In my current role I have done pretty much everything and with no new project in sight that will challenge me in ways I have not been and no change to be promoted within the company my choices in avenues are definately different.  If I can not move vertically at the moment I will need to move horizontally, the big questions are how? and where?  Am still trying to figure this one out, and time is quickly passing me as I have to have some semblance of a plan before classes start after labour day.  Am not going to lie, I am a bit freaked out and a little stressed about it.

I know I am not one to be complacent, but being uncertain is something I do not totally enjoy and that is what I feel right now with the choices I have in front of me.  I do not want to over committ myself to something I am not vested in or will fail at.  I do not want to committ to something I know I will not complete or even enjoy.  Yet, I find myself feeling like I will be doing all of the above.  I have a few more years left to complete my degree and what I would really love most is just do that full time and not have to worry about working a full-time job.  However that is not a viable situation at the moment, alas I will need to make this work while pursuing this very personal goal of mine.

In an ideal world I see myself being able to take on my 70% course load as well as redefining and expanding my role at work.  In this ideal world I will be doing these both very successfully to the point that I get what I need to be enagaged in my work life until I finish my degree.

What would you do if you were me?  Do you think it is very advantageous of me to work full time and go to school full time these next two semesters?  What would you do in your work life if you had the opportunity to redefine your role?  Would you take it on along with school or would you just keep doing what you are doing and focus your efforts on school?  So many choices, so muc to decide....would love to hear what you think!

To the good men in my life

I never really had a true father in my life, but I do have my grandfather and uncles whom to me are good men in their own ways.  I love them and I know that they love me, with each of them I enjoy spending time with them.  So to these men whom I care for unconditionally I wish a Happy Fathers Day to Eric, Derrick and Gregory, may you have a fantastic day.

Love your Grand-daughter and neice

These are the times where I long for things..

Today I am letting a bit of my inner six year old write this post.  I feel a bit like I long for something I can not have, and all that would fix it is someone who had never been much vested in my life. This post for me is about longing for something I wish I had at this particular moment.  These moments come every so often, kind of like when you have a craving you are not able to satisfy.  What I mean is, during my childhood I thought I had something, when in truth looking back on it I did not.

In these moments of longing are for something I never had - that my friends is, a mother.    Someone whom I can call and chat with, laugh with, seek wisdom from, be consoled by and spend time with (as well as get the occasional hug from).  A mother knows when her children need her, even when they do their best to hide it from her.  That maternal instinct, which I thought would protect me, nurture, accept and unconditionally love me, came with pricey caveats I did not understand until later in life.  They came with a price which any true mother would think, too high and would make them null and void for the sake of  safety and prosperity of  her child.  I thought that by being a good child, who always listened to her mother, went to school, worked hard and lead by example that somehow all those things a mother does for her child unconditionally would be given to me by her.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.  I do not have the greatest relationship with the woman who gave birth to me, she for all of her intents and purposes has denied me and I do my best to rise above it. The reasons why, are too many to list, and right now a time best to avoid divulging in.

I do my best to seek these things I need and crave from the friends and family I surround myself with, but much like a craving there is the odd time where I naturally long for a moment that a daughter shares with her mother.

Today I will mark as a vulnerable one and will thank you for taking the time to read that which I have shared today.  I will make light of this moment in that it is ending, the sunset is beautiful and so am I despite my past.  I figure today I would just put it out there as to how I feel as way to move forward.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Things today...

Five things I am greatful for today

• The sun
• Being able to register for my courses for fall, winter sessions
• Having a laugh in the lunch room
• Knowing that in a couple of weeks I will be on vacation
• Moving forward

When I take one step forward...

Sometimes my life feels a bit cliched, I know that there are moments where people are frustrated with change.  I took a big plunge last year, I did something I had been stalling on since I packed two suitcases and came to this city almost a decade ago.  Going back to school while working, was a choice I made, it scared the shit out of me but in my 'gut', my soul I knew that this was the choice for me.  Fail or not,  I had to try.  I have to admit my first year back was both challenging and rewarding, I had a focus, I made my own rules and asked for support and got what I needed.  Yet still the small things seem to cast a shadow on the path I blazed for myself. 

In looking back at what I accomplished, going back to university, with a full time work schedule, a 40% course load and on top of that taking on more responsibility at work. I did something beyond challenging and with all of this I passed my courses!!  I am so proud of this and yet why do I focus on the things I cannot control?  Why do I let it affect me in a way which makes all that I accomplished seem so trivial?  I feel like I am losing the grip on the goal of finishing my degree, because of the little things affecting me outside of school.  Really I should not and am doing my best to figure out a way to 'not sweat the small things' because they, do not fit into the scope of my goals, my dream and committment to myself. 

I will 'dig' myself out of this rut I let myself get into.  I am going to need to trust that it will all work out, that the small stuff will always be there and to just let it go.  There is no time or place for these things in the plan I have committed to.  I will need to find a way to re-engage myself with the things outside of school without taking the focus off of the promised I made to myself when I sent in the application and got accepted.  What I worry about more often than not, is the 'how'.  How am I going to make this happen?  How is this going to happen?  I need to trust in knowing that I will figure it out, probably stumble along the way, but this is what makes it endearing and human.

I had a few conversations with some dear friends of mine and what I have taken from them is a few nuggets I am going to try to use to keep me focused.  Writing down five things each day I am greatful for as well as, just keeping count in the time it will take me to get to compelte the goal of a honours degree!

So here goes, I have approximately 2 years of continuous study until I have completed my degree in sociology, two years fly by faster than I think it will, so eyes on the prize!

The five things I am greatlful for:

1. My cat greeting me when I came home from a long day
2. Talking to one of my closest friends to ground me
3. Being able to sit outside in the warm sun
4. Having an amazing doctor's office, in particular my doctors medical assistant, who is A-MAZ-ZING and is always helpful and kind to me when I have questions!
5. Falling in love with a Monet painting of a sunset and sharing that love

Here's to me working out of this rut.  One step in front of the other, here's to perpetual motion forward!


How do you re-engage yourself back into something you do and used to enjoy?  What are five things you are greatful for today? How do you get yourself out of a rut?