These are the times where I long for things..

Today I am letting a bit of my inner six year old write this post.  I feel a bit like I long for something I can not have, and all that would fix it is someone who had never been much vested in my life. This post for me is about longing for something I wish I had at this particular moment.  These moments come every so often, kind of like when you have a craving you are not able to satisfy.  What I mean is, during my childhood I thought I had something, when in truth looking back on it I did not.

In these moments of longing are for something I never had - that my friends is, a mother.    Someone whom I can call and chat with, laugh with, seek wisdom from, be consoled by and spend time with (as well as get the occasional hug from).  A mother knows when her children need her, even when they do their best to hide it from her.  That maternal instinct, which I thought would protect me, nurture, accept and unconditionally love me, came with pricey caveats I did not understand until later in life.  They came with a price which any true mother would think, too high and would make them null and void for the sake of  safety and prosperity of  her child.  I thought that by being a good child, who always listened to her mother, went to school, worked hard and lead by example that somehow all those things a mother does for her child unconditionally would be given to me by her.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.  I do not have the greatest relationship with the woman who gave birth to me, she for all of her intents and purposes has denied me and I do my best to rise above it. The reasons why, are too many to list, and right now a time best to avoid divulging in.

I do my best to seek these things I need and crave from the friends and family I surround myself with, but much like a craving there is the odd time where I naturally long for a moment that a daughter shares with her mother.

Today I will mark as a vulnerable one and will thank you for taking the time to read that which I have shared today.  I will make light of this moment in that it is ending, the sunset is beautiful and so am I despite my past.  I figure today I would just put it out there as to how I feel as way to move forward.  Tomorrow will be a better day.