Mid-term season begins

So now that the plethora of papers and various assisgnments are over, now brings the mind numbing studying for mid-terms as well as the mid-terms themselves!  I can just taste the freedom of having a little over two weeks of no classes and being able to be a bit spontaneous. I have to admit, finding the balance in having a bit of fun, has been a bit challenging but I am getting there.

I went to one of the best concerts of my life!  Seeing Prince was amazing, magnificent and something I will remember for years to come.  6 Encore performances accompanied his concert performance, something that only he could do and in true dramatic splendor that only his fans could appreciate.  I totally geeked out at the talent he had playing with him, from his back up singers to his sax, bass, guitar, piano and drum players....was something which brings me back to my band geek days. 

Esperenza Spalding - Bass
Shelby J - Voice - she had the coolest bedazzled artwork on her bald head!!!
Morris Hayes - Keyboards
John Blackwell - Drums

Okay enough of me geeking out about it I'll will do another post later and link some of the footage I took as it was beyond amazing!


I have to say this year has been one full of challenges, however as I progress in my journey there are things that I realize about myself.  With each passing phase, stumbling block/challenge/moment of growth I become much more aware and comfortable with myself.  It feels like findng centre when you are in search of trying to balance yourself on one leg.  It is never dull!

I wish I could write more but I am losing my focus....till next time!

A bit of a breakdown...

So I am trying to get the last of my assignments completed from assignmentpalooza, 2 weeks of intense work, school and trying to have a bit of a life. A balance is what I am striving for but I realize I am human and the operative word to me getting balance is: trying.

I am trying to get to that magical place of cutting some slack for myself. That this season of work and semesters of school are intense, complicated and beyond grueling. I have to admit that there are times that I want to throw in the towel, however fleeting it is at least I can admit it to myself. I quickly remind myself that it is something I promised myself that I would do, finish a degree and go back to complete another. I also have to keep reminding myself that it is a journey, not a race and that I also have the advantage to a degree of being older. When it comes to school, I do not fight things I do not know, at least not superficially. I realize that my need to take research methods is not for me to become a researcher, this is not where my 'heart' lies. My taking this prerequisite, is part in parcel a bureaucratic, policy and revenue making endeavor that my university has deemed necessary. In keeping with the branding of the university of seeing different perspectives of the same thing, research methods (or stats take your poison) is just one of those things I will take, hate and fingers cross pass.

So in saying my realization and resignation to knowing that my end goal is to pass, I had a bit of moment last night. Fueled by sleep deprivation, stressed with a heavy workload; just like my colleagues, on top of just general frustration of my current state, I had to have an emotional moment where all I did was shed tears and blow my nose into half a box of Kleenex. I knew that this moment was coming; I just didn't think it would happen right then and there. So instead of fighting it, I had a good cry, washed my face brushed my teeth and went to bed VERY early with the intention of waking up before the sun did.

I am still trying to get this assignment out of my head and on to paper, but there is a part of me that really doubts myself in thinking that I understand what is being asked of me, and me trying to execute it with the very least a modicum of success. I guess it comes down to the fear of being wrong. So I have to challenge myself in seeing that sometimes and especially in this case it might be good to be wrong! I can learn from my mistakes and hopefully apply them to the next time something like this comes along (cause they usually do).

So here's to my attempt of doing the last of my assignments well, hopefully I will get a better mark than I did on my last assignment!!!

In the final stretch....

So am just rounding the final bend of the two week marathon of assignments.  It feels so close and yet so far, let me tell you I can taste the finish line which will be full of fun times, booze and probably some much needed sleep!

What I have learnt is that yes I thrive on challenges, ones that engage me these-well these were not full of engagement other than for me to get'er done and hand'er in.  I did learn that I should plan more for these and incorporate breaks for a big glass of wine curled up with a tv program or book I have been meaning to watch and or read.  Also the social aspect of just hanging out with friends, I SO miss that.  I must get back to this as I feel like quite the loner, shut in at home, or a coffee shop armed with my laptop, various notebooks, binders and my trusty ipod.  I want to just shed them for a little bit and scheduled some 'Fun-E time'.  This my friends is a definite.

Work-life-school-study-sleep balance is a fuckin' doozy this go-round.  I have consumed copious amounts of coffee, and red bull.  Enough to make me realize that on occasion, I have caffinated myself just a wee-too much and had to readjust with a sleeping aid.  I am determined to get this semester under control and at best pass with a grade anyone who is working full-time (and sometimes thensome) while going to school part-time can.  I gave up the dream of pulling A's as these are not 'bird' courses.  These courses require a different kind of focus, one which only someone who is going to school full-time can devote.  This is not me giving up, but realizing that passing will need to be my only goal this semester.  Any further pressure I put on myself could result in anxiety, and for someone who is truly harder on herself than anyone ever could be; would result in a death spiral of depression and disappointment.

So with that realiztion that yes, I can do three grueling assignments ove the span of two weeks while working full-time; that some things will be sacrificed, like:  sleep, sex, fun, eating, fun, drinking, fun, socializing oh and did I mention FUN?!!!

I am not complaining, just stating facts, and with that there is tonnes of lessons learned here, which I will impart on another day when a lit-review of five scholarly, peer reviewed journal articles are not due on Thursday.

E, over and out till next post!

The time of assignments...

So in keeping with my experimentation I am writing again to help get the writing 'juices' going. I finally completed and handed my assignment that was due yesterday. With approximately 3 hours sleep and help from my co-workers/friends, I was able to work, get feedback from what I wrote in the early hours of Monday morning, edit my paper and then go to class to hand it in!

Now onto my first presentation of the year, it’s about sampling and let me tell you I am actually interested in it, or I should say that it has engaged me enough to want to learn as much as I can. I guess that saving face (insert sociological term) is really what is motivating me. I do not want to look like I do not know anything or that I am ill-prepared so I am doing my best to appear somewhat knowledgeable (I'm not going for expert on this) enough to let my T.A. know that I understood it and maybe get some class participation from my peers. Fingers crossed yet again and wish me luck!

I do have to share my feelings about missing the Halloween festivities and Halloween night. It is really one of my favourite holidays, yes I said holidays because to me it is truly something to celebrate. Aside from free candy; this is more for the kids, I really thrive off the creativity people put into their costumes. I do not mean take a costume like a bumble bee and make it 'slutty bumble bee', no I mean something that makes you say: 'AWESOME costume' Alas there will be more Halloween’s in my future but this year I was sad that I couldn't partake in dressing up.

Well cry now laugh later, this is my mantra about having to accomplish my studies so that I can truly (and eventually) enjoy life sooner. Ahhhh sacrifice...it’s a doozy but I know in my bones it is worth it!!

• So what did you do for the halloween weekend? 
• Did you dress up and if so what did you dress up as? (no judgement if it was slutty, its just not my bag)
• Did you go trick-or-treating with the kiddies and if so how much loot did you confiscate?
• What was your favourite costume when you dressed up for halloween? (gotta live vicariously through my peers)

Till next post!

Halloween, Zombies and vivid dreams

So I usually enjoy halloween, it is like christmas to me.  The creative juices flowing in deciding:  What should I be this year?  If I should make or buy as costume and where from!  Well this year due to way my courses were designed I have had to forgo dressing up for hitting the books writing papers and creating presentations for grades. So in spirit of this day I thought I would take a break from studying and watched Zombie Land. 


Granted it was funny and I chuckled but my overactive imagination always seems to take what I've viewed to the next level.  The dreams I had were....vivid, there is something about zombie movies which seem almost possible, like the outcome of a virus could turn the human population into something much like a zombie.  I guess that is one of the many points movies like these are trying to make.  They make you question the posibility, question what would you do if this were to actually happen.

For those who went out for the Halloween weekend I hope you had a great time and for those, who will be out tomorrow on the actual Halloween evening I do hope you get all the candy you can carry and that you consume it responsibly (free is good but the consequences of consuming too much makes free seem not worth the over-indulgence).

Best!

My Reflections...

Realizations are my 'ah ha' moments, or what some could and do call epiphany’s. I do enjoy my realizations about things and how much I can stand in my own way without even realizing it. More often than not this seems to be the case, and I'll need to ask those of you who are not afraid to speak up, to give me a nudge, or shake to make me take a side step in getting in my own way of progress.
I realize, I am my own worst critic, that I am harder on myself than most people are on me that I tend to be alot in my head and do not always say what I am feeling. I guess the root of that is fear, fear of being rejected, looking stupid, feeling stupid and even told that I have no right to say and feel the way I am feeling.

This year for my fall and winter term classes I picked doozies, and they right now are not interesting, stimulating and I have that feeling that I think I will never use them and that they are pointless. Needless to say, when I registered for these courses-I thought I would at least enjoy aspects of them. Right now I am staring at the screen looking at my notes for a paper due on Monday and inspiration is the furthest thing from me. I thought why not try to do some writing which will hopefully spin off into my assignment due? So this is why I am doing this entry today, to get my creative juices flowing (hopefully) and spin this off into my paper...so fingers crossed. I do hope that this theory works as I have a few more assignments due this week and next week! I will keep you posted as I do my best to post before, (perhaps even during) and after my assignments.

On to another realization which happened this week, my great-uncle (on my grandmother's side) passed away and his funeral is today. I only met him a couple times in my life, however the memories of being able to experience him has stayed with me. He did have a 'way' with words, a big personality but even with that something I think is synonymous with him and my grandmother is their great ability in the kitchen! He was a great cook in the kitchen and could make anything taste fantastic! I do have some regret, in that I really did not get to know him and his children very well and I guess the 'getting-to-know-you' goes both ways. I guess that is just how life goes sometimes and especially with such a big family. Overall I feel sad in that my cousins, my great-uncles wife (Deb), his grandchildren, nieces, nephews and siblings lost someone. I know that we all are selfish in that we want our family members to live eternally, however 75 years is a good time on this earth. I do know that what memories I do have of my great-uncle, I will cherish until my end of days.

Another realization I have wanted to share but had some difficulties in putting it into the right words is about friendships and friends. These last couple of years I have had some great and some not-so-great people come into my life. In regards to the short-term friendships which impacted me in a positive way I am thankful for, they opened me up to things I was once closed off to, or neglected in myself. I can speak volumes about how and what they did, but I do not want to bore or divulge information which either myself or these people do not want have disclosed so I will just leave it at that.

I am going to now to speak to the friendships which impacted me negatively, although there was and still is some fantastic learning’s from these relationships what it did left me with was a bad taste in my mouth and hurt feelings. There was someone whom I met through mutual friends and granted this friendship was tumultuous at times I felt I was my most honest with this person. An opportunity came up for employment at my workplace (there is a lesson in this my friend if you haven't learned this one already) and I advised them of it. I did stipulate that how they knew me outside of work would vary to that inside of the workplace and, if they were fine with this that I would forward their resume onto the 'hiring powers'. This supposed friend agreed and said it was fine and they eventually were hired.

Well as most of you can already guess, this relationship both inside and outside the workplace deteriorated. The relationship ended despite a few times to revive it. I did my best to take the high road, however this person then went to spread some horrible rumours to our mutual friends, so much so that they convinced them to alienate me. I was aware that something was said to these supposed friends and gave them the benefit of my doubt that they were reasonable people and would understand that there were three sides to every 'story' (theirs, mine and the truth). Unfortunately this did not happen and did not know the exact 'story' which was told to this group of friends until a dear friend from this circle decided to tell me this summer, she knew I would never do what I was accused of.

I was upset and very hurt as someone was trying to speak the character of me and the values I have. I would never disrespect a friend’s romantic relationship; I do my best to always respect it. I would never walk around saying that I was sleeping with my friends partner or even do something like that, I respect myself and my relationships with my friends way too much to do that. Since knowing this, I now feel a bit on edge when I with my true friends and I know it is something I will need to work through. I do not know what I will say whenever I see this person but I do know that it will not be silence, it will be handled with a modicum of respect for myself as well as class BUT they will know that this will not be tolerated. In terms of the 'friends' who decided to not question the source of where this rumour came from I will keep at a distance and refer to them more as acquaintances.


These are all the reflections I will share today as I think I have geared up to get this paper put to bed and then onto the next assignment....a presentation using neither Power Point or You Tube, about the topic of film!  Wish me luck :)

• So what would you do if you picked courses that turned out to something which you knew did not hold your interest, however you knew you had to take as it was a pre-requisite?
• Do you regret not spending time with your extended family?  If so what would you do to correct that?
• In terms of friendships, what would you do if you had a friendship which ended badly and resulted in the 'ex'-friend spreading false rumours about you?

Till my next post!!!

Reminders...What do you do to give yourself a reality check?

I was reminded today that I need to celebrate what I have accomplished and continue to do so and to keep focused on what I am doing  while not trying to concentrate on what I am not doing. I was also reminded of how extremely hard I am on myself. I push myself because I want to see how far I can go, not to mention I am fearful of complacency. I had a bit of a moment today when I realized that a goal I set for myself was not entirely realistic to my situation. However, it still is a little disappointing that the very advantageous goal I wanted to achieve is beyond my current situation.


Nevertheless I was reminded that I have decided to pursue a difficult goal which most people are not capable to do. During my first year back in university, I took on more responsibility at my full-time job, despite carrying a 40% course load. In and of itself, what I have done and will continue to do this fall, and for the next few years is something which is both extremely challenging and rewarding, as it gets me closer to the aspiration of attaining my Honours BA Soci.  What I should be doing now and every time I pass a course, is reward myself by celebrating each milestone I set for myself.  During this fall and winter semesters, I will have a 50% course load, on top of re-defining my role and studying to get my PMP.  A lot to take on; however it is something that whets my appetite, a challenge to push myself and see where all of this will take me. 

So here’s to my current and continued success of being that person who needs to learn, grow and attain each challenge I set out for myself.  Complacency is a word that does not exist in my world of challenge!

Do you believe you are your own worst critic?  How do you remind yourself that you are human and it is okay to push yourself but not over-do it? What do you do to celebrate, and recognize your achievements?  What do you think I should do to celebrate my first successful year back to school?