Homeward bound...

Despite Winnipeg being the place of my birth and where I grew up this is now just a place I visit to see family (both of my blood and those whom I deem my-non blood family) and friends.  It is always nice to be around those who want to see you as much as you do them.  This trip was different for me, a turning point to how I deem to live my life moving forward.  In knowing that those who love, and respect me I leave understanding more about myself and where I stand with them; the ones who care about me as I them.I have been through so much and I understand that this is not the end of it rather another chapter.  A saying I loved earlier this week:  Whenever you become empowered, you will be tested. - Caroline Myss.  This has never been more true and it will continue to resonate with me each and every time I empower myself;  I hope you know this too for your own journey!!

Back to the reason why and how I am moving forward.  My immediate family and I are far from close, in fact to them I represent something to which they will never want to admit and are embarrassed by; the truth.  Do not get me wrong here I can say unequivocally that it is not I who brought this embarrassment, I just merely spoke the truth.  To them it is easier to live a lie than it is to deal with it, squash it and move on and move forward for the better.  But hey like I said  I did nothing but speak the truth and I am much better for it.  I promised my grandfather and eldest uncle that I would not let this affect me anymore as I have so much more to me and my life.  I said what I had to say to those who wanted to listen and I hope that they are able to keep to what they've agreed to, otherwise it is unfortunate for them that they will no longer be in my life.

I feel that this was my final test, and I had to be in it to realize that those who matter will always be there, being supportive, encouraging and will be able to give me the kick I need.  For those that don't, it is a sad day for them to be able to speak such horrible things about me, about my family as the saying goes:  You point a finger at someone there are three pointing right back at you!  So for those who are so keen on pointing the finger of blame I say f'it here is hoping that you do something with your life than just exist. 

For me right now I have a life that I have created and continue to do so for the better of myself.  I will continue knowing that I am loved by my family, even though extended are still of my blood.  For my immediate family I do not hate them, instead I pity them. For me I have some things to accomplish off my to-do list of life, more than just exist I intend to excel and succeed the best I know how.

Life isn't fair, Neither is life cut short...

These past few weeks have been full of uncomfortable learning’s; however none have been as painful as that of losing a member of my family member who was, is still very dear to me.  She was full of life, a smile, and questions and without a doubt, someone I always took joy in seeing, and spending time with.  A lovely memory was one where she came a few years ago to visit her family out east during the summer.  Her first leg of her trip was with me, when I was not working we did things, chatted, talk, ate, even took her to get her hair done and then to dinner.  I wanted to show her that even though biologically we were cousins on some level I would like her to have thought I was a ‘pseudo older sister’ who loved and wanted only but happiness for her.  

I remember her as a little baby, so full of life, in that she was determined to never let any limitation confine her in any way possible.  If she wanted to do something, she put her mind to it and it happened.  She always smiled triumphantly whenever she did accomplish something; this is something I will remember most about her.  Oh and her insatiable hunger! Always asking while she opened my fridge:  ‘You got anything to eat?’  To ME these are aspects which endear her to me, made me want to be in her life and she in mine.  These amongst many are the memories of which I choose to carry with me.

What I am most saddened with is that she must have thought she could not turn to anyone in her deepest darkest moments to talk and have someone listen to her, to know that she was not alone and that no matter what that she had a support system she could rely on. She will never know that she had someone who could on some levels relate to her and offer a very empathetic ear.  As I look back on how this unfortunate death came to pass, I can make connections and see where things ‘could’ have indicated that all was not well. 

It is frustrating as this is all that I have to go on, speculation and it is something which I will be plagued with till the end of my days.  This young woman I had great hopes for, I thought the world of her and thought; I did not have to worry too much about her as she had a great head on her shoulders.  I saw that same determination she had as a little girl as in the young woman I thought I knew.  This is something I both celebrate and question her for.  Anything to the point of recklessness will never end well, and even though it is easier to obsess then to stop I truly wished I had known, that she had reached out, that this never happened, that I could help/ed her, that I could tell her this moment will pass and you will look back and say:  “I made it through this, I can make it through anything!”. 

I know that I will be left with more questions than answers.  I acknowledge that I am just one person and even though on some levels I feel like I could have helped in some way of preventing this from happening, logically I know that I probably did not have even the most remote chance of stopping it from happening.

I hurt in ways I thought I could never hurt, I feel alone, angry and sad.  If the word helpless could summarize what I am feeling then I would use it, but it is more than that.  I know I have dealt with a lot in my own life and yet it seems like I am destined to feel and experience more than I bargained for.  I questions how will this help me? I wonder will this drive us apart or together?  A realist in me wants to say the latter, the optimist and what I was raised to believe wants to believe the former.  I am straddling two perceptions, I am torn into pieces which in some way I have to put back together some way, somehow and yet I do not know how to start.  I am immobilized as I look at yet another mountain of challenges I need to climb.  This is not fear but sorrow, heartache, anguish, angst, pain and anger in trying to make some sense, enough for me to move forward and continue with life.

What I can say today, in this moment is that the life we have is on borrowed time, I hope that you make the most of it.

In the home stretch of all things Winter...

So all things to do with Winter semester are slowly coming to a close and I am excited and limping towards the end of this chapter.  What Fall and Winter term semesters without  a little ‘adventure’?  To say that my life is boring is like sticking your head in a lions mouth, it seems cool but really that isn’t plausible (blame my lack of sleep for this analogy).  What I mean to say is that it has been full of acceptance, growth and learning’s in all forms.  

I am trying to get out two papers which are my last assignments of the semester and let me tell you, they are like turds of creative constipation….so tough to get out but they have been brewing in my mind for what seems like ages.  I am using this blog entry as a last attempt to get them from my mind and into coherent sentences which will make two 10 page essays!!!  I do not know about you but this is not the most enjoyable, it is full of me trying to fight the want to go and lay down, however I know if I stop it will take AGES for me to get back on my academically creative writing horse.  So in short I will need to ride it out till the last coherent (hopefully) cyphers of academic genius!!!

I am challenged in a I thought I never would be, courses in which I know in some way will help me however in the short term knowing that this knowledge on some levels will be anything but practical.  I can see myself playing trivial pursuit or jeopardy and being asked something which only these two courses I took in university would either win me the game  I am playing or put me ahead of my competitors.  Yes my inner geek will thank me later, but my very present procrastinator spirit for these courses is telling me I have revved up enough juice to continue on for the next 1000 words to completion!  Wish me luck that I am able to get a sufficiently good mark ;) 

Girls Weekend!!!

A weekend with the girls was what I needed and granted not all of my nearest and dearest couldn’t attend I was still grateful that I had a fantastic time…there will be more and other girls weekends ahead, I can feel it!!!

After a very long week full of challenges as well as disappointments I never knew how tired I was till I stopped moving and the train started rolling…I slept soundly whenever I chose to; it was AWESOME!!!  Granted I did not get to do all that I wanted, however the weekend was exactly what I needed and I am better for it.  I was so glad to be in the company of some really great people!

Being around dear friends who only want the best for you is refreshing, something which should be cherished and nurtured.  My girlfriends are the family of sisters who are not of my blood but are of my spirit.  They are my beacons of truth when something difficult needs to be said or realized.  They are also the women whom I can hold up a mirror and say:  ‘Wow I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks this’. These sister’s in spirit also are able to act like balm to soothe a broken heart or soul.  These women I know will leave indelible bonds in my life as I hope I will with theirs. 

I laughed, ate, drank with some really cool people this weekend was one full of great memories, food and laughter.  I have a feeling that another trip will need to be in order and hopefully sooner rather than later!!!

I do hope that you have friends which you can truly be yourself with and in turn they with you.  I also hope that they care enough to be honest with you no matter what as well as caring enough to want to see the best in you and for you!

A raised glass to the great girlfriends in my life!

Growth...

What I most enjoy about being me is that I know who I am now more than ever.  I find that being in my 30’s it is like the ‘true’ north in the cardinal points of my life.  Although I have not had an easy one (life) what I continue to do is learn as well as grow from my experiences.  With growth is it is one which is usually fraught with feeling uncomfortable, as well as awkward and frustrating beyond belief.  However it is also one which is exhilarating, ground-breaking (if you let it) and game changing (take it how you want to) and something which, in the right moment will resolve itself to a beautiful experience, at least I hope for myself. 

Over the last stretch of time since my last post, it is safe to say I am in the midst of growth, I am learning that people are human and with that will ultimately disappoint you.  It is sad but true and all you can do is to hope to discuss how it disappointed you and what you can try to do should another time like this arises.  It is also interesting in that some people in spite of what you think is a great relationship, will step on you to get what they think they want.  This I call, ambitious to the point of recklessness, and it is something which is not admirable and far from respectable. However they deemed it necessary to do so and with those actions have its own set of consequences, ones which I believe karma will deal with in its own sweet time. 

What I do know is this, I will continue to be true to who I am and do my best to learn as much as I can from all that I have and will experience.  The moment I stop learning is a moment where I hope will be the end of my days and not halfway through my life.  I hope to create relationships which leave indelible marks on me as well as the people I cultivate these bonds with.  For those who have done things in spite, out of fear as well as just pure meanness I hope they know that they will face the consequences of their own actions and that I have nothing to do with those consequences, ultimately I wish them happiness but not at the expense of mine. 

Growth, it can be one of which you make of it and I intend to make the most of mine whenever it happens!

This quote is what inspired me to post this:  Legend remains victorious in spite of history. - Sarah Bernhardt

The Joy of a New Year

I know some people have traditions and superstitions on how to usher in and start a New Year.  For some its who they kiss when the clock strikes twelve.  For others it’s what they do (or not do), eat or give to others on the first day of the year.  Regardless New Year’s is something which is steeped in tradition in old, new and revamped customs. 

What I chose to do this year was a mixture of both new and old; I think it worked for how I wanted to celebrate in bringing in 2012.  It made me realize that as much as I respect all things steeped in tradition, that I have my own to cultivate and cement.  Much like what is and isn’t acceptable in my life, the rules for being an adult are ones which are subjective (save what is deemed legal and illegal by the law) and I prefer it this way.

I have been enjoying the promise of what this year will hopefully hold, one full of adventure, success, excitement which I hope will work out to make positive memories.  Although I will not make any resolutions what I will do is hope to become a better person as I move forward in my life and away from all that doesn’t work and is negative.  I know I won’t please everyone, but for those who matter won’t care and those who care won’t matter!

I will end this brief post in saying this, I am a woman who strives to be successful with authenticity and integrity, and although I will strive I will more than likely stumble along the way.  Those stumbles will make me a better person (I hope) and ultimately I aspire to at the very least, learn some things during my journey.  For those who are intimidated, angry or resentful or what I am striving to do, I will say this:  I make no apologies for where I am going in my life and how I am getting there.  Much like self-esteem, it is esteem of yourself and if you are resentful of mine then you need to take a really hard look at yourself and work on you….that is all.

So for those who take the time to read my thoughts, I truly thank you and value you.  I want to wish all a successful 2012 and I encourage you to get what you want in a classy, authentic and respectful way as it will come back to you in spades!

Mid-term season begins

So now that the plethora of papers and various assisgnments are over, now brings the mind numbing studying for mid-terms as well as the mid-terms themselves!  I can just taste the freedom of having a little over two weeks of no classes and being able to be a bit spontaneous. I have to admit, finding the balance in having a bit of fun, has been a bit challenging but I am getting there.

I went to one of the best concerts of my life!  Seeing Prince was amazing, magnificent and something I will remember for years to come.  6 Encore performances accompanied his concert performance, something that only he could do and in true dramatic splendor that only his fans could appreciate.  I totally geeked out at the talent he had playing with him, from his back up singers to his sax, bass, guitar, piano and drum players....was something which brings me back to my band geek days. 

Esperenza Spalding - Bass
Shelby J - Voice - she had the coolest bedazzled artwork on her bald head!!!
Morris Hayes - Keyboards
John Blackwell - Drums

Okay enough of me geeking out about it I'll will do another post later and link some of the footage I took as it was beyond amazing!


I have to say this year has been one full of challenges, however as I progress in my journey there are things that I realize about myself.  With each passing phase, stumbling block/challenge/moment of growth I become much more aware and comfortable with myself.  It feels like findng centre when you are in search of trying to balance yourself on one leg.  It is never dull!

I wish I could write more but I am losing my focus....till next time!