In the home stretch of all things Winter...

So all things to do with Winter semester are slowly coming to a close and I am excited and limping towards the end of this chapter.  What Fall and Winter term semesters without  a little ‘adventure’?  To say that my life is boring is like sticking your head in a lions mouth, it seems cool but really that isn’t plausible (blame my lack of sleep for this analogy).  What I mean to say is that it has been full of acceptance, growth and learning’s in all forms.  

I am trying to get out two papers which are my last assignments of the semester and let me tell you, they are like turds of creative constipation….so tough to get out but they have been brewing in my mind for what seems like ages.  I am using this blog entry as a last attempt to get them from my mind and into coherent sentences which will make two 10 page essays!!!  I do not know about you but this is not the most enjoyable, it is full of me trying to fight the want to go and lay down, however I know if I stop it will take AGES for me to get back on my academically creative writing horse.  So in short I will need to ride it out till the last coherent (hopefully) cyphers of academic genius!!!

I am challenged in a I thought I never would be, courses in which I know in some way will help me however in the short term knowing that this knowledge on some levels will be anything but practical.  I can see myself playing trivial pursuit or jeopardy and being asked something which only these two courses I took in university would either win me the game  I am playing or put me ahead of my competitors.  Yes my inner geek will thank me later, but my very present procrastinator spirit for these courses is telling me I have revved up enough juice to continue on for the next 1000 words to completion!  Wish me luck that I am able to get a sufficiently good mark ;) 

Girls Weekend!!!

A weekend with the girls was what I needed and granted not all of my nearest and dearest couldn’t attend I was still grateful that I had a fantastic time…there will be more and other girls weekends ahead, I can feel it!!!

After a very long week full of challenges as well as disappointments I never knew how tired I was till I stopped moving and the train started rolling…I slept soundly whenever I chose to; it was AWESOME!!!  Granted I did not get to do all that I wanted, however the weekend was exactly what I needed and I am better for it.  I was so glad to be in the company of some really great people!

Being around dear friends who only want the best for you is refreshing, something which should be cherished and nurtured.  My girlfriends are the family of sisters who are not of my blood but are of my spirit.  They are my beacons of truth when something difficult needs to be said or realized.  They are also the women whom I can hold up a mirror and say:  ‘Wow I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks this’. These sister’s in spirit also are able to act like balm to soothe a broken heart or soul.  These women I know will leave indelible bonds in my life as I hope I will with theirs. 

I laughed, ate, drank with some really cool people this weekend was one full of great memories, food and laughter.  I have a feeling that another trip will need to be in order and hopefully sooner rather than later!!!

I do hope that you have friends which you can truly be yourself with and in turn they with you.  I also hope that they care enough to be honest with you no matter what as well as caring enough to want to see the best in you and for you!

A raised glass to the great girlfriends in my life!

Growth...

What I most enjoy about being me is that I know who I am now more than ever.  I find that being in my 30’s it is like the ‘true’ north in the cardinal points of my life.  Although I have not had an easy one (life) what I continue to do is learn as well as grow from my experiences.  With growth is it is one which is usually fraught with feeling uncomfortable, as well as awkward and frustrating beyond belief.  However it is also one which is exhilarating, ground-breaking (if you let it) and game changing (take it how you want to) and something which, in the right moment will resolve itself to a beautiful experience, at least I hope for myself. 

Over the last stretch of time since my last post, it is safe to say I am in the midst of growth, I am learning that people are human and with that will ultimately disappoint you.  It is sad but true and all you can do is to hope to discuss how it disappointed you and what you can try to do should another time like this arises.  It is also interesting in that some people in spite of what you think is a great relationship, will step on you to get what they think they want.  This I call, ambitious to the point of recklessness, and it is something which is not admirable and far from respectable. However they deemed it necessary to do so and with those actions have its own set of consequences, ones which I believe karma will deal with in its own sweet time. 

What I do know is this, I will continue to be true to who I am and do my best to learn as much as I can from all that I have and will experience.  The moment I stop learning is a moment where I hope will be the end of my days and not halfway through my life.  I hope to create relationships which leave indelible marks on me as well as the people I cultivate these bonds with.  For those who have done things in spite, out of fear as well as just pure meanness I hope they know that they will face the consequences of their own actions and that I have nothing to do with those consequences, ultimately I wish them happiness but not at the expense of mine. 

Growth, it can be one of which you make of it and I intend to make the most of mine whenever it happens!

This quote is what inspired me to post this:  Legend remains victorious in spite of history. - Sarah Bernhardt

The Joy of a New Year

I know some people have traditions and superstitions on how to usher in and start a New Year.  For some its who they kiss when the clock strikes twelve.  For others it’s what they do (or not do), eat or give to others on the first day of the year.  Regardless New Year’s is something which is steeped in tradition in old, new and revamped customs. 

What I chose to do this year was a mixture of both new and old; I think it worked for how I wanted to celebrate in bringing in 2012.  It made me realize that as much as I respect all things steeped in tradition, that I have my own to cultivate and cement.  Much like what is and isn’t acceptable in my life, the rules for being an adult are ones which are subjective (save what is deemed legal and illegal by the law) and I prefer it this way.

I have been enjoying the promise of what this year will hopefully hold, one full of adventure, success, excitement which I hope will work out to make positive memories.  Although I will not make any resolutions what I will do is hope to become a better person as I move forward in my life and away from all that doesn’t work and is negative.  I know I won’t please everyone, but for those who matter won’t care and those who care won’t matter!

I will end this brief post in saying this, I am a woman who strives to be successful with authenticity and integrity, and although I will strive I will more than likely stumble along the way.  Those stumbles will make me a better person (I hope) and ultimately I aspire to at the very least, learn some things during my journey.  For those who are intimidated, angry or resentful or what I am striving to do, I will say this:  I make no apologies for where I am going in my life and how I am getting there.  Much like self-esteem, it is esteem of yourself and if you are resentful of mine then you need to take a really hard look at yourself and work on you….that is all.

So for those who take the time to read my thoughts, I truly thank you and value you.  I want to wish all a successful 2012 and I encourage you to get what you want in a classy, authentic and respectful way as it will come back to you in spades!

Mid-term season begins

So now that the plethora of papers and various assisgnments are over, now brings the mind numbing studying for mid-terms as well as the mid-terms themselves!  I can just taste the freedom of having a little over two weeks of no classes and being able to be a bit spontaneous. I have to admit, finding the balance in having a bit of fun, has been a bit challenging but I am getting there.

I went to one of the best concerts of my life!  Seeing Prince was amazing, magnificent and something I will remember for years to come.  6 Encore performances accompanied his concert performance, something that only he could do and in true dramatic splendor that only his fans could appreciate.  I totally geeked out at the talent he had playing with him, from his back up singers to his sax, bass, guitar, piano and drum players....was something which brings me back to my band geek days. 

Esperenza Spalding - Bass
Shelby J - Voice - she had the coolest bedazzled artwork on her bald head!!!
Morris Hayes - Keyboards
John Blackwell - Drums

Okay enough of me geeking out about it I'll will do another post later and link some of the footage I took as it was beyond amazing!


I have to say this year has been one full of challenges, however as I progress in my journey there are things that I realize about myself.  With each passing phase, stumbling block/challenge/moment of growth I become much more aware and comfortable with myself.  It feels like findng centre when you are in search of trying to balance yourself on one leg.  It is never dull!

I wish I could write more but I am losing my focus....till next time!

A bit of a breakdown...

So I am trying to get the last of my assignments completed from assignmentpalooza, 2 weeks of intense work, school and trying to have a bit of a life. A balance is what I am striving for but I realize I am human and the operative word to me getting balance is: trying.

I am trying to get to that magical place of cutting some slack for myself. That this season of work and semesters of school are intense, complicated and beyond grueling. I have to admit that there are times that I want to throw in the towel, however fleeting it is at least I can admit it to myself. I quickly remind myself that it is something I promised myself that I would do, finish a degree and go back to complete another. I also have to keep reminding myself that it is a journey, not a race and that I also have the advantage to a degree of being older. When it comes to school, I do not fight things I do not know, at least not superficially. I realize that my need to take research methods is not for me to become a researcher, this is not where my 'heart' lies. My taking this prerequisite, is part in parcel a bureaucratic, policy and revenue making endeavor that my university has deemed necessary. In keeping with the branding of the university of seeing different perspectives of the same thing, research methods (or stats take your poison) is just one of those things I will take, hate and fingers cross pass.

So in saying my realization and resignation to knowing that my end goal is to pass, I had a bit of moment last night. Fueled by sleep deprivation, stressed with a heavy workload; just like my colleagues, on top of just general frustration of my current state, I had to have an emotional moment where all I did was shed tears and blow my nose into half a box of Kleenex. I knew that this moment was coming; I just didn't think it would happen right then and there. So instead of fighting it, I had a good cry, washed my face brushed my teeth and went to bed VERY early with the intention of waking up before the sun did.

I am still trying to get this assignment out of my head and on to paper, but there is a part of me that really doubts myself in thinking that I understand what is being asked of me, and me trying to execute it with the very least a modicum of success. I guess it comes down to the fear of being wrong. So I have to challenge myself in seeing that sometimes and especially in this case it might be good to be wrong! I can learn from my mistakes and hopefully apply them to the next time something like this comes along (cause they usually do).

So here's to my attempt of doing the last of my assignments well, hopefully I will get a better mark than I did on my last assignment!!!

In the final stretch....

So am just rounding the final bend of the two week marathon of assignments.  It feels so close and yet so far, let me tell you I can taste the finish line which will be full of fun times, booze and probably some much needed sleep!

What I have learnt is that yes I thrive on challenges, ones that engage me these-well these were not full of engagement other than for me to get'er done and hand'er in.  I did learn that I should plan more for these and incorporate breaks for a big glass of wine curled up with a tv program or book I have been meaning to watch and or read.  Also the social aspect of just hanging out with friends, I SO miss that.  I must get back to this as I feel like quite the loner, shut in at home, or a coffee shop armed with my laptop, various notebooks, binders and my trusty ipod.  I want to just shed them for a little bit and scheduled some 'Fun-E time'.  This my friends is a definite.

Work-life-school-study-sleep balance is a fuckin' doozy this go-round.  I have consumed copious amounts of coffee, and red bull.  Enough to make me realize that on occasion, I have caffinated myself just a wee-too much and had to readjust with a sleeping aid.  I am determined to get this semester under control and at best pass with a grade anyone who is working full-time (and sometimes thensome) while going to school part-time can.  I gave up the dream of pulling A's as these are not 'bird' courses.  These courses require a different kind of focus, one which only someone who is going to school full-time can devote.  This is not me giving up, but realizing that passing will need to be my only goal this semester.  Any further pressure I put on myself could result in anxiety, and for someone who is truly harder on herself than anyone ever could be; would result in a death spiral of depression and disappointment.

So with that realiztion that yes, I can do three grueling assignments ove the span of two weeks while working full-time; that some things will be sacrificed, like:  sleep, sex, fun, eating, fun, drinking, fun, socializing oh and did I mention FUN?!!!

I am not complaining, just stating facts, and with that there is tonnes of lessons learned here, which I will impart on another day when a lit-review of five scholarly, peer reviewed journal articles are not due on Thursday.

E, over and out till next post!