Joy with a twinge of pain...

I think that these moments of joy with my niece will always have a twinge of bitter-sweetness.  Today she graduated kindergarten, and boy was she beaming!  When my brother-in-law emailed me the photo it really made my day.  But....I stopped and thought about my sister, how she was never going to see this, how my niece will never get the chance to say 'Look Mom, I did it!'  I started to get weepy in that two people whom I love have been cheated out of a great experience, one of those mother daughter moments. 

At times I am both angry and sad that this is happening to my niece, however the positive out of all of this which will constantly happen is that other family members who love her just as much are in her life witnessing these moments, beaming smiles and tears of joy; but always twinged with a note of sadness because my sister isn't there to see and feel what we  do. 

My niece is such a happy little girl, full of wonder, imagination and a personality which endears most to her  like sunlight to a flower.  She has the capacity to make everyone feel they are part of making a moment with her.  I fight for her to protect this ability, this spark, she has because when I see it in her I am reminded at times that it was robbed from me.  I do not ever want her to feel or go through some of the things which I have.  I want to be able to have her be this happy little girl for as much and as long as possible. 

So with this moment, which there will be so many I am so thankful for being able to be a part of my niece's life, even when I live where I live.  My brother-in-law and his family have promised to make sure that doesn't change.  I truly am enamored with my niece and I hope she knows how much I love her and hope that we continue this great bond and relationship.  This is what I remind myself in spite of the bitter-sweetness I feel that the joy far out-weights it without fail. 

143 Chickaflea to the moon and back and then some.

Your Aunt

The joy I feel when I am around my niece

Last month was my niece's sixth birthday, and I put it out into the universe that I wanted to spend it with her.  I am so fortunate that this was possible and have no regrets in being able to spend it with her.  This was my first time spending a birthday with her, previously it wasn't possible.  Not because I didn't want to, it was just my sister wasn't able to invite me to be a part of my niece's festivities or her young life.  Prior to my sister's death trying to spend time with her and my niece was very difficult.  My sister was influenced by my mother greatly which meant that for me getting to see them meant that I had to do it in a way which was inconsipcuous to our mother.  

Even though my sister's death is tragic, I am grateful for being able to have access to my niece through my brother-in-law and his family.  He and his family are truly lovely people, we have been both a help to eachother and I do not think I am able to express the gratitude I have towards them for being able to be a part of their lives and most of all my niece.  They are definition of what great parents and grandparents are.  I wish I had parents like them, but I digress.  It gives me great comfort that they are a huge part of my niece's life and they let me be are part her's and theirs.

My brohter-in-law and his family have let my niece become a beautiful little girl, don't get me wrong she is a pretty cute kid, but what I am referring to is her personality, her spirit.  She is playful, observant, loving, respectful, curious, intuative, all things my sister used to be as a little girl.  She has the personality where adults want to indulge in her questions.  Without fail she introduces herself by her full name when she speaks to people.  Something which I find beyond endearing as she will correct you in a hurry and say; 'I am not sweetie or sweetheart, I am [insert full name] but you can call me Emmy'. 

Whenever I get to spend time with her I am beyond joyful, its like we are getting to know each other and yet we already know each other.  She tells me without prompting that she loves me and I do the same by telling her I love her to the moon and back and then some.  Every time I see her I see my aspects of my sister.  Some of her mannerisms and habits are almost hereditary that it astonishes me when I see it. 

Her great-grandfather has endeared himself to her so much so that she told her grandmother that she wanted to invite him over for her birthday so she could show him her room.  Truly this is something which just melted my heart.  Its a memory I will cherish and retell to her as she gets older, every chance I get.  What I love about my niece is that she really loves the men in her family and almost to the point where us women hardly exist when the men are in her presence.  Her grandad is just as enamoured with her as she is with him.  Everyone she meets see's that she has this great lightness about her, to me she is pure joy.  The bonds she creates with people in her life is something beyond special, it is a gift not many posess this mganitism.  I hope  that it stays with her and she is able to use it in a way which will ensure her great happiness and success wherever she goes in life.

I will wonder what my niece will be like when she gets older, I must wait in anticipation however I am no longer removed and waiting by the sidelines for her to one day reach out to me and make contact.  I have that consistent and constant contact and connection with her.  She will grow up knowing who I am to her and how much she means to me. 

I hope that I am able to spend every birthday I possibly can with her as she is that special to me.  I will do my best to do good for her and expose her to all the good people in my family.  I will continue to keep connected to my brother-in-law and his family as they are just as special as my niece.  I hope that one day I can help them for what they have given me, the unflappable connection to my niece, who is the only connection I have left of my sister.  I hope in some way that my sister knows that there isn't much I wouldn't do for the safety and continued happiness of my niece.  I hope that in some ways I have provided her some solace and that she approves overall of how my niece is growing up. 

I am always cognizant that this year is a big one for my niece, that this is the first year without her mother.  I know this won't be the hardest one she will experience, however I want to be able to have influenced and created some positive memories for her (and in part me).  I know that she is a truly happy little girl and I am so thankful for that.  What I am afraid of is her having to compromise, stifle or lose this good nature about herself. I will continue to do my best for her and show her that there is good in the world, that she has people who love and care about her well being and that we will be there to set her up for success.  I may not be her mother, I am the next best thing, her aunt which guarantees that I will love her like a daughter, and friend and ensure that she knows that I am always there for her no matter what.  She makes me smile even when I am writing this she gives me joy and something which I am unable to express in words and I hope that she is able to experience this feeling as aunt one day...then she will know of the feeling of what I am trying to write right now. 

How fast time flies...then you are reminded again

They say the first year after someone has gone is the hardest, mine has had its trials and tribulations but also moments of joy and triumphs.  I truly didn't expect to feel the way I do today, this weekend being the holiday in which I lost someone who I loved dearly and tried my best to treat as a sibling even though she was my cousin.  I can remember moments of her when she was a little baby; most of her personality was coming out then and stayed true until she left this earth.  She was playful, funny, determined, loving, and always did her best for you to see life through her eyes.  She was not perfect nor did she try to be, she wanted to be loved an accepted as most children do and she was by alot of us.

I always tried to make sure that she knew where she could reach me, I wanted to let her know that I was there for her without judgement, an ear to listen and someone to talk to regardless.  I have very few regrets and with her I wish I asked more questions, the hard ones and ensured that I would listen and be there whenever she needed me.  Alas this is something I can't change and even with her passing she taught me something with her passing.  This first year I lost a lot and gained just as much, this year has been without her but, I know moving forward that I will think of her often and hope she is still at peace, perhaps happy and keeping company with my grandmother.  The world keeps turning so I must keep on moving, I won't ever forget her and hope that I can be there for my niece in a way that ensures she never feels alone or lost.  I look up towards the night sky and hope that one of the many stars is her and the one next to that is our grandmother. 


With this Easter, my first without her and my sister I hope that they know I miss them and think of them often.  That I wish they are at peace and in a better place and that I hope they know how much they are loved.  I hope for my friends who have been supportive of me, that they are happy, healthy and they receive everything they need.  That this first year of holidays for me will be challenging however the following years will hurt less and less.  So hugs the ones you have close to you and make sure that sometimes doing what is right is harder than what is easy especially if it is someone you care about.

Reflection of 2012

So much can happen in a short amount of time....well short in the span of a life time.  I never thought that the things which have come to pass would have actually happened, and yet they did.  Everyday is a different day and to be honest some aren't so good and others are and overall I am pretty satsified they happened they way they did.

I have experienced loss in many forms but I never thought I would experience loss quite like I did this year.  I know I have so many questions which will likely go unanswered.  This loss is something I couldn't prevent, and despite knowing this a  part of me feels like I could have affected it in some way.  I understand that this is something we as humans try to do, to control something which ultimately out of our reach.  Making peace with this loss is and will be an ongoing process.  I miss her dearly and wish that she reached out a bit more or I had asked more poignant questions to get a dialogue started. 

In terms of my education I know that to use it as a distraction is something which should be avoided at all costs.  My education and finishing my degree are very important to me, it is a goal which I must remind myself is part of a journey.  Just like life to set a date to finish is nice however realistically to have that date as a hard limit/dead line is the antithesis of having a goal.  I must remind myself of this every so often as I am a person of action and to feel like I am stagnant or complacent is a big fear. Inherenlty I know that this will not happen and ultimately I am doing my best to cut myself some slack....but I am human :)

Professionally I have learnt quite a bit, however I am still doing my best to process it in a way which I can put into type.  For now it is safe to say that I have very few regrets and am positive that bigger, better as well as much more fulfilling roles are in my near future! I will keep you posted.....

In turning a year older I marked my birthday as the new year, it was good to just be surrounded by good friends.  The energy was positive, encouraging and loving!  Friends are truly the family you choose, and I am grateful for that.  As we progress in our life journeys it is beyond great to witness the special moments in eachothers lives.  It makes me excited to say:  "Whats next?!"

In terms of my blood relations it is always difficult for me.  The cliche of the ones you love hurt you the most is both true and false.  I never thought I would feel such disappointment, exposure (in that I am left on my own), or loss of connection.  I have had to distance and limit myself and contact as I need to be  happy, life my life and ENJOY it.  My doing this is more for self preservation than anything else, I will remain hopeful that we will have some sort of quality connection however as it stands for now it just not the right time.

I regret very little in the years I have lived so far, I have learned so much and will continue to learn.  I am not going to lie, this has been a very tough year but much like time, this too shall pass.  I hate the saying of :  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but it is true.  I am stronger than I was before...a toast to those pushing through the pain you will get better, be better.

What a relief it is!

Do you remember the eno commercial?  Well the paper I just finished was very much the jingle that speaks of how I thought I did with this particular paper.  It has been such a long semester, I thought that doing courses this summer would prove to be a distraction to the greif I have been and still dealing with now.  I know I am not alone as another family member did something very similar (it always surprises me how much my blood relatives are so similar in the decisions we make by ourselves), the result is that I am burnt, raw, hurt, emotional and lost. 

I now know that doing this, taking courses during a time of grief is not the answer for me.  I thought I could use the emotions I have been feeling since then,  as way to push myself forward and continue my goal in a step closer in finishing my degree.  The result of this paper kind of culminates this whole experience of how painful it has been to get the thoughts for my paper out of my head onto paper.  If it was not for a very empathetic and helpful TA as well as a very scattered and unorganized professor during such a very intensive and dense course. 

It was lovely that the moment I finished the paper, saved it and sent it off to my TA the skys opened up and the rain fell like my relief off my shoulders.  I felt just like mother nature did when the rain fell, refreshed, happy like a thirst that had been quenched.  I have learnt quite a bit during this smester, I know that it is okay to take a moment, catch my breath, find centre and ensure that I am okay to keep moving forward.  If am not any of those things then it is time to take a break and it is okay to do so.

A part of me is disappointed that I need to breath, however I realize and acknowledge that it is the journey I need to keep in light and to celebrate how far I have come despite my obstacles.  I never thought that I would see the end of this course, it did break me in way, however in knowing that I was already broken it was no surprise how tired I have been feeling. 

I am hopeful that with this break I can do what I need to find balance, come to peace with the sudden loss of a dear member of my family and pick up where I left off to keep moving forward.

A celebration...even with family

It was a weekend full of good times and memories, a dear member of my family married their love.  The experience was lovely, and full of some great personal touches which I hope that they will remember for the rest of their happy lives together. 

In one way I am sad because this family member is moving away. However my being happy for them far exceeds this sadness, in that they get to start another chapter in their lives together, not to mention that I get to have another place to visit family.  I do so hope that my 'big brover' and his new bride the most successful life together filled with more joy than they can count.  It gives me hope in that there is someone for everyone and, in due time that these two people will find each other.

I was a little apprehensive in going, in that most of my family members I have kept at a distance because of past hurt.  This time away from them was warranted, it gave me time to breath, and think.  It also let me be my own person free of clouded judgement and a new perspective.  A dear friend who went with me, in moral support only made the experience that much better.  I guess with the combination of the mix of strangers, a celebration and combine the location (it being out of the country) made for an event where everyone was in good spirits and for the most part in good taste. I am glad to have gone to the wedding and to been a part of  my cousin's celebrations. 

I hope in some way that my keeping my distance from my family realized that on some level I am ready (in small doses) to integrate myself back in.  I guess we will see how this experiment goes....

An Open Letter...

It is not that I am lazy; I thought if I write this it would come out better than saying it.  

An open letter of gratitude to those who have been so supportive:

Dearest Friend:  Aside from the fun-good times, you have been there in my time of need, to listen without judgement, to offer an objective perspective, a shoulder to lean as well as cry on and to encourage me the way a friend only knows how.  Empathy and solace would be good words to use, however they do not do justice to that which you have offered, provided and given to me. 

This last little while has been full of heartbreak, frustration and tragedy however you have provided me a place where I feel safe to have my raw moments.  You see me even though I try to ‘hide’ me. As I navigate my way through reconciling all of these events to get back to the ‘usual me’; I am beyond thankful for being intuitive enough to be there even though I do not ask for it; giving me space when I need it as well as, challenging me when I think I need to stop.  These small things are what is helping to keep me together while I mend a seemingly very fractured me. 

You truly know who cares for you when they are there in your moments of need.  To say I am grateful is an understatement.  Without you in my life, in my corner during my conflicts of struggle I know that you have my best interests at heart, you want me to succeed in whatever I set out to do and ultimately to be happy.  I hope you know that I in turn want this for you, a life full of the happiness you desire, that which you need most in order to be happy.

With sincerest with gratitude

Homeward bound...

Despite Winnipeg being the place of my birth and where I grew up this is now just a place I visit to see family (both of my blood and those whom I deem my-non blood family) and friends.  It is always nice to be around those who want to see you as much as you do them.  This trip was different for me, a turning point to how I deem to live my life moving forward.  In knowing that those who love, and respect me I leave understanding more about myself and where I stand with them; the ones who care about me as I them.I have been through so much and I understand that this is not the end of it rather another chapter.  A saying I loved earlier this week:  Whenever you become empowered, you will be tested. - Caroline Myss.  This has never been more true and it will continue to resonate with me each and every time I empower myself;  I hope you know this too for your own journey!!

Back to the reason why and how I am moving forward.  My immediate family and I are far from close, in fact to them I represent something to which they will never want to admit and are embarrassed by; the truth.  Do not get me wrong here I can say unequivocally that it is not I who brought this embarrassment, I just merely spoke the truth.  To them it is easier to live a lie than it is to deal with it, squash it and move on and move forward for the better.  But hey like I said  I did nothing but speak the truth and I am much better for it.  I promised my grandfather and eldest uncle that I would not let this affect me anymore as I have so much more to me and my life.  I said what I had to say to those who wanted to listen and I hope that they are able to keep to what they've agreed to, otherwise it is unfortunate for them that they will no longer be in my life.

I feel that this was my final test, and I had to be in it to realize that those who matter will always be there, being supportive, encouraging and will be able to give me the kick I need.  For those that don't, it is a sad day for them to be able to speak such horrible things about me, about my family as the saying goes:  You point a finger at someone there are three pointing right back at you!  So for those who are so keen on pointing the finger of blame I say f'it here is hoping that you do something with your life than just exist. 

For me right now I have a life that I have created and continue to do so for the better of myself.  I will continue knowing that I am loved by my family, even though extended are still of my blood.  For my immediate family I do not hate them, instead I pity them. For me I have some things to accomplish off my to-do list of life, more than just exist I intend to excel and succeed the best I know how.

Life isn't fair, Neither is life cut short...

These past few weeks have been full of uncomfortable learning’s; however none have been as painful as that of losing a member of my family member who was, is still very dear to me.  She was full of life, a smile, and questions and without a doubt, someone I always took joy in seeing, and spending time with.  A lovely memory was one where she came a few years ago to visit her family out east during the summer.  Her first leg of her trip was with me, when I was not working we did things, chatted, talk, ate, even took her to get her hair done and then to dinner.  I wanted to show her that even though biologically we were cousins on some level I would like her to have thought I was a ‘pseudo older sister’ who loved and wanted only but happiness for her.  

I remember her as a little baby, so full of life, in that she was determined to never let any limitation confine her in any way possible.  If she wanted to do something, she put her mind to it and it happened.  She always smiled triumphantly whenever she did accomplish something; this is something I will remember most about her.  Oh and her insatiable hunger! Always asking while she opened my fridge:  ‘You got anything to eat?’  To ME these are aspects which endear her to me, made me want to be in her life and she in mine.  These amongst many are the memories of which I choose to carry with me.

What I am most saddened with is that she must have thought she could not turn to anyone in her deepest darkest moments to talk and have someone listen to her, to know that she was not alone and that no matter what that she had a support system she could rely on. She will never know that she had someone who could on some levels relate to her and offer a very empathetic ear.  As I look back on how this unfortunate death came to pass, I can make connections and see where things ‘could’ have indicated that all was not well. 

It is frustrating as this is all that I have to go on, speculation and it is something which I will be plagued with till the end of my days.  This young woman I had great hopes for, I thought the world of her and thought; I did not have to worry too much about her as she had a great head on her shoulders.  I saw that same determination she had as a little girl as in the young woman I thought I knew.  This is something I both celebrate and question her for.  Anything to the point of recklessness will never end well, and even though it is easier to obsess then to stop I truly wished I had known, that she had reached out, that this never happened, that I could help/ed her, that I could tell her this moment will pass and you will look back and say:  “I made it through this, I can make it through anything!”. 

I know that I will be left with more questions than answers.  I acknowledge that I am just one person and even though on some levels I feel like I could have helped in some way of preventing this from happening, logically I know that I probably did not have even the most remote chance of stopping it from happening.

I hurt in ways I thought I could never hurt, I feel alone, angry and sad.  If the word helpless could summarize what I am feeling then I would use it, but it is more than that.  I know I have dealt with a lot in my own life and yet it seems like I am destined to feel and experience more than I bargained for.  I questions how will this help me? I wonder will this drive us apart or together?  A realist in me wants to say the latter, the optimist and what I was raised to believe wants to believe the former.  I am straddling two perceptions, I am torn into pieces which in some way I have to put back together some way, somehow and yet I do not know how to start.  I am immobilized as I look at yet another mountain of challenges I need to climb.  This is not fear but sorrow, heartache, anguish, angst, pain and anger in trying to make some sense, enough for me to move forward and continue with life.

What I can say today, in this moment is that the life we have is on borrowed time, I hope that you make the most of it.

In the home stretch of all things Winter...

So all things to do with Winter semester are slowly coming to a close and I am excited and limping towards the end of this chapter.  What Fall and Winter term semesters without  a little ‘adventure’?  To say that my life is boring is like sticking your head in a lions mouth, it seems cool but really that isn’t plausible (blame my lack of sleep for this analogy).  What I mean to say is that it has been full of acceptance, growth and learning’s in all forms.  

I am trying to get out two papers which are my last assignments of the semester and let me tell you, they are like turds of creative constipation….so tough to get out but they have been brewing in my mind for what seems like ages.  I am using this blog entry as a last attempt to get them from my mind and into coherent sentences which will make two 10 page essays!!!  I do not know about you but this is not the most enjoyable, it is full of me trying to fight the want to go and lay down, however I know if I stop it will take AGES for me to get back on my academically creative writing horse.  So in short I will need to ride it out till the last coherent (hopefully) cyphers of academic genius!!!

I am challenged in a I thought I never would be, courses in which I know in some way will help me however in the short term knowing that this knowledge on some levels will be anything but practical.  I can see myself playing trivial pursuit or jeopardy and being asked something which only these two courses I took in university would either win me the game  I am playing or put me ahead of my competitors.  Yes my inner geek will thank me later, but my very present procrastinator spirit for these courses is telling me I have revved up enough juice to continue on for the next 1000 words to completion!  Wish me luck that I am able to get a sufficiently good mark ;) 

Girls Weekend!!!

A weekend with the girls was what I needed and granted not all of my nearest and dearest couldn’t attend I was still grateful that I had a fantastic time…there will be more and other girls weekends ahead, I can feel it!!!

After a very long week full of challenges as well as disappointments I never knew how tired I was till I stopped moving and the train started rolling…I slept soundly whenever I chose to; it was AWESOME!!!  Granted I did not get to do all that I wanted, however the weekend was exactly what I needed and I am better for it.  I was so glad to be in the company of some really great people!

Being around dear friends who only want the best for you is refreshing, something which should be cherished and nurtured.  My girlfriends are the family of sisters who are not of my blood but are of my spirit.  They are my beacons of truth when something difficult needs to be said or realized.  They are also the women whom I can hold up a mirror and say:  ‘Wow I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks this’. These sister’s in spirit also are able to act like balm to soothe a broken heart or soul.  These women I know will leave indelible bonds in my life as I hope I will with theirs. 

I laughed, ate, drank with some really cool people this weekend was one full of great memories, food and laughter.  I have a feeling that another trip will need to be in order and hopefully sooner rather than later!!!

I do hope that you have friends which you can truly be yourself with and in turn they with you.  I also hope that they care enough to be honest with you no matter what as well as caring enough to want to see the best in you and for you!

A raised glass to the great girlfriends in my life!

Growth...

What I most enjoy about being me is that I know who I am now more than ever.  I find that being in my 30’s it is like the ‘true’ north in the cardinal points of my life.  Although I have not had an easy one (life) what I continue to do is learn as well as grow from my experiences.  With growth is it is one which is usually fraught with feeling uncomfortable, as well as awkward and frustrating beyond belief.  However it is also one which is exhilarating, ground-breaking (if you let it) and game changing (take it how you want to) and something which, in the right moment will resolve itself to a beautiful experience, at least I hope for myself. 

Over the last stretch of time since my last post, it is safe to say I am in the midst of growth, I am learning that people are human and with that will ultimately disappoint you.  It is sad but true and all you can do is to hope to discuss how it disappointed you and what you can try to do should another time like this arises.  It is also interesting in that some people in spite of what you think is a great relationship, will step on you to get what they think they want.  This I call, ambitious to the point of recklessness, and it is something which is not admirable and far from respectable. However they deemed it necessary to do so and with those actions have its own set of consequences, ones which I believe karma will deal with in its own sweet time. 

What I do know is this, I will continue to be true to who I am and do my best to learn as much as I can from all that I have and will experience.  The moment I stop learning is a moment where I hope will be the end of my days and not halfway through my life.  I hope to create relationships which leave indelible marks on me as well as the people I cultivate these bonds with.  For those who have done things in spite, out of fear as well as just pure meanness I hope they know that they will face the consequences of their own actions and that I have nothing to do with those consequences, ultimately I wish them happiness but not at the expense of mine. 

Growth, it can be one of which you make of it and I intend to make the most of mine whenever it happens!

This quote is what inspired me to post this:  Legend remains victorious in spite of history. - Sarah Bernhardt