What a relief it is!

Do you remember the eno commercial?  Well the paper I just finished was very much the jingle that speaks of how I thought I did with this particular paper.  It has been such a long semester, I thought that doing courses this summer would prove to be a distraction to the greif I have been and still dealing with now.  I know I am not alone as another family member did something very similar (it always surprises me how much my blood relatives are so similar in the decisions we make by ourselves), the result is that I am burnt, raw, hurt, emotional and lost. 

I now know that doing this, taking courses during a time of grief is not the answer for me.  I thought I could use the emotions I have been feeling since then,  as way to push myself forward and continue my goal in a step closer in finishing my degree.  The result of this paper kind of culminates this whole experience of how painful it has been to get the thoughts for my paper out of my head onto paper.  If it was not for a very empathetic and helpful TA as well as a very scattered and unorganized professor during such a very intensive and dense course. 

It was lovely that the moment I finished the paper, saved it and sent it off to my TA the skys opened up and the rain fell like my relief off my shoulders.  I felt just like mother nature did when the rain fell, refreshed, happy like a thirst that had been quenched.  I have learnt quite a bit during this smester, I know that it is okay to take a moment, catch my breath, find centre and ensure that I am okay to keep moving forward.  If am not any of those things then it is time to take a break and it is okay to do so.

A part of me is disappointed that I need to breath, however I realize and acknowledge that it is the journey I need to keep in light and to celebrate how far I have come despite my obstacles.  I never thought that I would see the end of this course, it did break me in way, however in knowing that I was already broken it was no surprise how tired I have been feeling. 

I am hopeful that with this break I can do what I need to find balance, come to peace with the sudden loss of a dear member of my family and pick up where I left off to keep moving forward.

A celebration...even with family

It was a weekend full of good times and memories, a dear member of my family married their love.  The experience was lovely, and full of some great personal touches which I hope that they will remember for the rest of their happy lives together. 

In one way I am sad because this family member is moving away. However my being happy for them far exceeds this sadness, in that they get to start another chapter in their lives together, not to mention that I get to have another place to visit family.  I do so hope that my 'big brover' and his new bride the most successful life together filled with more joy than they can count.  It gives me hope in that there is someone for everyone and, in due time that these two people will find each other.

I was a little apprehensive in going, in that most of my family members I have kept at a distance because of past hurt.  This time away from them was warranted, it gave me time to breath, and think.  It also let me be my own person free of clouded judgement and a new perspective.  A dear friend who went with me, in moral support only made the experience that much better.  I guess with the combination of the mix of strangers, a celebration and combine the location (it being out of the country) made for an event where everyone was in good spirits and for the most part in good taste. I am glad to have gone to the wedding and to been a part of  my cousin's celebrations. 

I hope in some way that my keeping my distance from my family realized that on some level I am ready (in small doses) to integrate myself back in.  I guess we will see how this experiment goes....